The job of a bartender.

The job of a bartender is to serve the patrons on behalf of the owner of the establishment. Basically, their job is to get this:



Yes, that's six dollars USD. That might be a bit more than some drinks and a bit less than others, but it's a nice round number. But, I digress... This isn't about how much money is in a picture.^[1]

If a bartender does their job correctly and serves you, they will not only get what is pictured in the above photo, but they will also end up with the following:



See that? That's a tip. That's what a bartender gets when they do a good job and are nice. Maybe they get it as soon as they give you your drink (some people tip immediately), or maybe they get it at the end of the night if you're buying several drinks. The point is, they get that if they're good at their job and treat the customer with respect.

Do you know who doesn't get it? The woman at the Sidebar who my girlfriend now refers to as "cunt".

Do you know why? Because after we had bought several drinks, she simply refused to serve us.

For 45 minutes, we tried in vain to get service. Finally, she informed us that we could get something "after all of the other customers who were tipping". Yeah, who the fuck really says that? That's horrible customer service, and a horrible attitude. That's entitlement to the fucking max!

Her job isn't to demand a tip, it's to sell people alcohol and make the place money. If she gets a tip, that's awesome - and it's the nice thing to do when you're a customer. However, acting like you are OWED one and refusing to serve people because they haven't given you when is just bad service. And you know what happens when you give that kind bad service? You miss out on both of the above pictures of money, and you can possibly ruin someone's night out with your horrible attitude.

She's overall horrible at her actual job (making the bar money) because she was serving "all of the other people who were tipping", which I could see were people buying $2 Natty Bohs. We were actually trying to spend MORE money on higher priced items. So, while she might've been getting a tip (which works to her advantage), she actually failed at her specific job, which is the make the bar more money. If I were the owner, I'd fire her.

But again, I digress... I'll get back to the point!

Was she going to get a tip from us? In the words of Sarah Palin, "You betcha!"^[2] But, she was going to get it at the end of the night, like we often tip. But now she gets nothing but what she deserves: scathing words for a stupidly entitled woman with a bad attitude.

1. if you don't know how much money is in a picture, you probably can't read this blog anyway.
2. This will likely be the first and only time I quote that awful woman.

Sweden, Switzerland, Spain, and the Sun

What do the things in the title have in common? Well, I'm going to tell you.

(AFP) - After billions of years the Sun finally has an owner -- a woman from Spain's soggy region of Galicia said Friday she had registered the star at a local notary public as being her property.

...

Duran, who lives in the town of Salvaterra do Mino, said she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund.^[2]

So, apparently, some stupid lady thinks she own the sun now, and wants everybody to pay for its usage.^[2]

Great... Yet another stupid person co-opting what belongs to everybody.

What's more surprising is that, somehow, this is legally allowed:

There is an international agreement which states that no country may claim ownership of a planet or star, but it says nothing about individuals, she added.

It seems like she's right. However, I would make an argument that, by personal ownership and her being a part of a country, the sun is actually property of Spain in some ways. But I guess somebody else will be left to argue this in court and laugh this lady into madness.

Yes, yes, I do realize that I'm not being at all humorous today. And do you know why? There is nothing at all funny about this... AT ALL. It's just really fucking sad.

Well, okay, maybe there is this:

I originally found out about this story while reading about the Cafe Hon controversy here. On the page, a commenter wrote that "when a woman in Sweden (or Switzerland can't remember which) just claimed to owning the SUN". Sweden? Switzerland? Yeah, people confuse them sometimes. I'll give them that... But it was Spain. SPAIN. Nowhere in the same ballpark, unless you count that they all start with "S" and are part of the continent known as Europe...

1. Source
2. Goth kids luck out - they won't have to pay much at all!

Fear of a ProperNoun Planet

I am afraid, I am very afraid. I fear many things, some irrational (zombies, robot and/or alien overlords for start) and some are rational (like a Palin Presidency)^[1]. There are things that other people fear that I find out right hilarious - Barack Obama is a socialist, immigrants are taking our jobs, the gay agenda, Muslims are taking over America - to name a few.

But today, today I learned that I was only half-right on one of those. Today is the day that I learned of something more sinister than the gay agenda: TheGay Agenda.

You see, when put into the perspective of a proper noun like above, gays become much more of a sinister force. The power of a proper noun like "TheGays" really permeates my deepest layers of my mind, filling me with feelings of horror and dread. The power of such a proper noun is so strong that my mind ceases to function. I cannot, for the life of me, fathom what the world will be like when TheGays take over.

Now, you have to be wondering where I learned of such an awesome, powerful organization? Well, I learned of TheGays from foxnewscomments.com. FoxNewsComments is a website that collects the only the shiniest of gems from Fox News commenters.^[2]

Throughout the site, I noticed many comments about "the gays" (and their agenda), but I was no afraid. But then, I noticed several horrifying comments about the frightfulness of "TheGays". When I read the capital letters, I instantly understood that I should fear them, for they are a true organization of power, hell-bent on converting us all to butt-fucking, carpet-licking glory.

But my fear doesn't stop there, no, not at all... Because once I realized how horrible a proper noun can be, I realized that there are far, far worse proper nouns to be had in this world.

Without further ado, I give you: TheStupids. Yes, TheStupids, a vast conspiracy of stupid people, hellbent on destroying America's inquisitive, intellectual nature, whose ultimate enemy is tolerant, well-thinking people. TheStupids don't just want to destroy the world, they want to rule it once they've destroyed it (much like Sauron).^[3]

TheStupids home base seems to be foxnews.com. We must fight them, America. We must fight them, indeed.

As a parting note, everybody better stay quiet and not let the guy here know that they just cured a guy of HIV in Berlin... It might blow his fucking brain up.

1. Sarah Palin, of course... Not Michael Palin of Monty Python fame... Not that he could be President anyway, as he's not even American. In fact, he was born in England, which is slightly more than one swallow's flight away from here. That'd be an unladen swallow, even.
2. I would say it has an apt title. Just like "Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film".
3. They are more awful than the Legendary Black Beast of Agggh. And, unfortunately, cannot be destroyed by causing a heart attack in an animator.

Somebody didn't pay attention in the DARE class...

Anybody remember DARE?^[1] Well, it applies to you PARENTS, and not just your kids.

Dear Child In The Back Seat: Your days of whining for the Strawberry Shortcake Happy Meal toy you saw on TV may be numbered. At least in California.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest filed a lawsuit today against McDonald's in state court in California to stop the company from advertising toys with Happy Meals.

The group filed the class action suit on behalf of parents, including plaintiff Monet Parham, a 41-year-old mother of two from Sacramento who says she's fed up with the pestering.

Monet Parham clearly didn't have a DARE program in her high school, or she would've learned how to JUST SAY NO. It's not hard, especially when YOU ARE THE PARENT and HAVE ALL OF THE MONEY and THEY ARE THE CHILD and HAVE NO MONEY. You know what you can do when you are the parent? JUST. FUCKING. SAY. NO.

The saddest meal of
them all.

And if they pester you about it, you punish them until they learn to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. about it.

Why any of this is a difficult concept for Monet Parham, I'm REALLY not sure. The one thing I am sure of, as it is quite clear, now: some parents simply feel the need to sue somebody instead of, I dunno, BEING A PARENT AND TAKING SOME FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY.

I guess when passing a law fails,^[3] lawsuits are a good backup. After all, we live in the land of frivolous lawsuits!^[4]

America: Home of the stupid.

1. Nancy Reagan's terrible idea of an anti-drug program. Yeah, JUST SAY NO! That works every time, I tell you!
2. NPR article
3. San Francisco kids rejoice after outgoing Mayor Gavin Newsom vetoes city's McDonald's Happy Meal ban
4. When the government fails, people must take things into their own stupid, stupid hands...

Caesar: A Typical Latin Thug

And so it has come to pass, another Muslim has apparently been caught trying to commit terrorist acts. This time it was a Nicaraguan-born young man who had quite a poor run as a teenager (in and out of jail, etc).

As normal (and expected), the ignorant single-celled organisms (and I'm not even sure that single cell is a brain cell) crawl out from under their rocks and comment.

The comments include ramblings about how violent Islam is and how there is no way that any Muslim can be peaceful - and if, in fact, they are peaceful, they're not a real Muslim (or something like that^[1]), calls for execution (because that's what'll stop Muslim terrorists^[2]), and more of the usual. None of the aforementioned stuff is that remarkable, as it's pretty par-for-the-course kinda stuff. However, then we get a sparkling gem of blatant racism:

Donato1 at 12:10 AM December 9, 2010

Is he an illegal alien or just some typical Latin Thug

What is a "typical Latin Thug", anyway? Well, I've looked into it: I've polled several archaeologists and searched through masses of Google results. I'm happy to tell you that my hard work has resulted in a great conclusion:

Julius Caesar is the prime example of a "typical Latin Thug".

Caesar: A typical Latin thug.

This history of "Latin Thuggery" dates back to the 2nd century BCE, and is a wonderful cultural tradition that is kept alive today by The Roman Catholic church. Typical Latin Thugs are trained, starting at toddlerhood, personally by The Pope (from what I understand, it's a scene much like the one in the Star Wars prequel movies where Yoda is instructing younglings). When they reach five, they are shipped back home to their homes to train under the local Archbishop. Finally, when they achieve puberty, they are released into the wild^[3] (as the Catholic priests have no more use for them).

When their training is complete, Latin Thugs are required, for the rest of their lives, to spend an inordinate amount of time acting thug-like. They are also legally and morally bound to follow a codified set of rules while doing it. This code includes requirements to speak solely in Latin during any crime they commit, wear a lot of gold jewelry, and to attend mass every Sunday.

It is interesting to note that originally, Latin Thugs were not required to attend mass, as Julius Caesar was not a Catholic. In those days of yore, they were required to attend an orgy every Sunday, instead.


1. It's hard to really say what the person was attempting to communicate, because they're that fucking stupid.
2. Yep, a group that is often comprised of SUICIDE BOMBERS will be stopped due to threat of execution. That makes sense!
3. Not to be confused with the stupid, overrated movie that "changes the lives" of dumb, spoiled, rich white kids.

Sad Meals

Happy Meals will be "happy" no longer in San Francisco, come December 1st. The SF Board of Supervisors voted 8-3 to ban toys from coming with meals that don't meet certain nutritional requirements.

This is a slap in the face - across the board - to personal responsibility. If kids are becoming obese from eating too much food from McDonald's, the problem isn't toys, it's MCDONALD'S. The horrible food will still be there, whether it comes with a toy or not. You can't really successfully market to kids. Sure, they want the toy, but you can just as easily give kids of many ages another toy and they'll be happy enough with it.

This likely won't end any problems, because the availability of cheap fast food will still be there. The parents can still buy a burger and a small fry for a dollar each, and McDonald's (and other places) can still sell the toys separately. In the end, it'll be about the same price.

Happy Meals existed when I was a kid, and I even had a box full of Happy Meal toys, proving that I ate a lot of them. However, I didn't end up obese from it. Why not? I guess I didn't eat it often enough.

McDonald's isn't to blame for kids ending up obese - the parents who feed them solely on shitty, greasy fast food are to blame. If you pass a law telling a business they can't give away a toy with a meal, you're just preventing them from giving away a toy, which isn't the problem! The problem is the parents, who are still going to give their kids cheap, shitty food that makes them fat and gives them diabetes.

If you want to pass a law to protect kids from McDonald's, pass something that states that no more than 25% of their calories in a day can come from such foods, or something like that. Sure, it's hard as hell to enforce (but so is this one, since they can still sell the toy and the food separately for the same price if they want), but it makes more sense in the end.

1. Article

Irony, defined.

Baltimore's law against trans fats claimed a victim recently. A restaurant was busted (for a second time) for selling trans fats, a dangerous, drug-like an illegal substance.

The city health department says a business called Healthy Choice John's Barbecue, located inside Lexington Market, violated the ban on trans fats.^[1]

If that isn't irony for you, eh?

But then again, you know, who decides what is healthy? Plenty of things are healthy in small doses. Trans fats, in any dose more than that allowed by law, likely aren't healthy, but if that's the most unhealthy thing about a food, I'm not sure I see the problem.

Sure, we've eliminated the horrid, murderous substance known as trans fats from McDonalds french fries, but do you know what we haven't eliminated yet? McDonalds french fries.

Last I checked, they're still sold in Baltimore, they're still filled with other types of fat, and they're still drenched in delicious heart-disease causing sodium.

Sometimes, I think the "experts" focus on the wrong things. They find one little niche thing to obsess over - in this case trans fats - and ignore the big picture.

1. WJZ.com story

Bubblevicious

Bubbles: n.
1. a fun childhood memory, a children's plaything
2. a wonderful merriment of delight and awe for any kid
3. a vicious weapon often used to assault police officers

Which of the above definitions (1-3) is most accurate?

The correct answer is: 3.

Yes, bubbles are a vicious weapon most often utilized by leftist commie protesters in their vicious, violent attacks against the establishment. Tens of cops have been brutally battered by bubbles in recent years. Some unfortunate victims of these attacks even had to go so far as to rinse their eyes out with water! Bubbles are a cancer on our society, and in the hands of the wrong person: a WMD.

It is a true fact, and I will attest to it, that bubbles were the one thing most commonly cited as a reason to go to war with Iraq. Troops might've never found the vast bubble caches that Saddam Hussein had stashed around his empire, but that doesn't mean they didn't and still don't pose a threat. Somebody out there has those bubbles, and soon, they will strike with them again.

Take for instance, Constable Adam Josephs of the Toronto Police Services, who was brutally victimized by a young woman during the G20 protests this Summer. Josephs, whose real name is Officer Bubbles, had bubbles blown into his face by a young lady, even after he had warned her to stop. His ego was crushed by this meddling young lady - SHE WASN'T RESPECTIN HIS AUTHORITAY!^[1]

Unfortunately, while Josephs survived the incident, he did have to be worked on by emergency medical workers due to a severe case of ego bruising.

Bubble Joker:
The most dangerous villain
(aka cop) alive.

Officer Bubbles's troubles don't stop there, though, folks. After this incident was aired on YouTube, the comments poured in. The victim became a further victim when people began to ridicule him. When someone is down, you shouldn't kick them, but yet people did. Over 23 people posted rude comments about it; these people utilized biting wit, sharpened sarcasm, and scandalous satire.

Where is the sense in some people? How can we, as a people of this planet, continue to abuse each other in this way? One man even went out of his way to viciously attack Officer Bubbles, stating, "officer bubbles probably looks at himself in the mirror a lot."^[2]

Sadly, the vicious defamation Officer Bubbles endured took its toll recently, and he was hospitalized with a severe case of butt-hurt. Thankfully, he pulled through the procedure and survived his debilitating disease, but not before spending millions of dollars during the course of his hospital stay. Thankfully, the Canadian court system has allowed him to place the blame where it belongs: those who made the vicious comments.^[3]

Officer Bubbles has named the following defendants in a lawsuit designed to pay for his vast medical bills, stemming from the severe case of butt-hurt he received: 23 YouTube commenters, YouTube, and the author of a parody video mocking his AUTHORITAY!

1. Original video featuring Officer Bubbles yelling at someone for... Blowing bubbles at him.
2. Article about Todd Mara, a defendant in the lawsuit by "Officer Bubbles".
3. Overview of the entire thing.

That and This, These and Those

No one knows. Not one person knows... Where to get your car's window tint metered.

It seems to me now that Maryland Safety Inspection is a bureaucratic nightmare of the worst kind. Nothing seems to be simple, and - as I wrote the other day - the laws don't even make sense some of the time.

The inspection station said to me, last week, "The window tint has to be removed or metered and passed by a State Trooper. You can go to any MVA to get that done."

I asked, "Any MVA, including the one right down the road that isn't full-service?"

"That one is fine," he informed me.

Only, it wasn't fine. As it turns out, there are no state troopers stationed there these days. So, that sucked. But alas, while I was there, I could ask them where I actually should go to get it done. Thankfully, the lady at the help desk provided me with an answer: ANY STATE POLICE BARRACKS!

Sweet!

And so I drove to the closest STATE POLICE BARRACKS (which isn't that close, mind you). I walked in, ready to get this shit done, and...

Nope, wrong place again. You see, they don't meter it there, they only inspect it to see if you've removed it all. The only people that can meter it are state troopers that work at the Bel Air MVA for the FIRST TWO HOURS of operation M-F, or all day long on random week days in Glen Burnie.

So, basically, it's nearly impossible for any normal person to get this done, and still a hassle for anybody else because you can spend a bunch of time wasting gas in the process. "Fuck it", I said, and we went to the task of removing it.

You know, it would've been a hell of a lot easier (to me, at least) if they had simply accepted being slimed and said "I don't know". Green slime is water-soluble, last time I checked!

It should also be noted that not only do none of these people know what the fuck they are talking about or where anything can get done, but they also actually HAND OUT INCORRECT/OUTDATED INFORMATION at the MVA. Seriously! I asked for a driver handbook, and they gave me one, complete with an insert which contained all of the rules and processes involved in getting and keeping a license. The date printing date in the book was 2003... And the laws on this shit drastically changed last fall!

Great job, Maryland. Great fucking job.

IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE! YOU MUST ACQUIT!

Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense!

And if you think that does not make sense, wait until you read the rest of what I have to say!

My girlfriend and I recently purchased a car. We purchased it from a neighboring state and now have to go through the rigmarole of getting it "inspected". This isn't a huge problem, as the vehicle was and is well-maintained.

On the other hand, some of the nonsensical rules we've run in to are a slight problem. First off, we need to purchase a part (more on what it is in a minute) which is a dealer-only part. Normally, that would be fine - however, in our case, it is not. What could possibly go wrong? Well, they don't have any in the local FIVE STATE AREA, and had to order it from a Ford plant or a warehouse three states away. It'll be here two days from now. That's annoying, yes. But is it a reason to write a blog entry? Not really, especially since it doesn't exactly NOT make sense.

What DOESN'T make sense is what part it is: a fog lamp. Yes, we have to replace an OPTIONAL device to pass inspection. A majority of cars on the road in America - and even in my home state - don't have fog lamps/lights at all. However, since our car has them, we have to have them completely functional. But, oh folks, it gets better. Not only do they have to be functional if we have them, but since the car came with them, we HAVE TO HAVE THEM. You see, since the part couldn't easily be acquired, I inquired into whether or not I could just REMOVE THEM FROM THE CAR COMPLETELY. As it turns out, I CANNOT DO THAT.

Yes, a completely optional piece of equipment - because it was on the car when purchased (in another state mind you) - has to be on the car and be functional now. And yet, 75% or more of the cars on the road in this state DON'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE THE THING IN QUESTION.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!

SO I THREW THE ROCK!

Fueling up a vehicle isn't supposed to be difficult. Anybody that's driven (outside of the state of NJ, where it is illegal to do so) has likely pumped their own fuel before. It's not a difficult task, and it should never be made to be such. But tonight, it was. Tonight, I had no choice but to deal with the harsh reality of America: it is full of stupid, insecure people.

I'm gonna tell you a story about the last time I was in Parkville, Maryland.

I pulled up (to the house about 7 or 8?) to the gas station, and nobody else was there, from what I could tell: 8 empty pumps. Though, there was one car that seemed to be parking. Seeing that the pumps were empty, I pulled through to the front pump, so I could easily leave when I was finished. That was my first mistake.

As it turns out, the guy I thought was parking wasn't actually parking. You see, he was actually turning around so he could come pull back and pull up so his filling hole was on the correct side of the pump.

He pulled towards me, rapidly waving frantically for me to move back. I shrugged my shoulders and ignored him - there were 7 other empty pumped he could've pulled up to. He continued driving towards me, now beeping his horn - I thought he was going to hit the car. I moved back so he wouldn't run into me, but he continued his beeping and strange waving. I was thinking, "Wow, this guy is a real fucking asshole". So what did I do? I flipped him off. This was my second mistake.

You see, where and how I grew up, "the middle finger" isn't exactly a term of endearment, but it's also not a huge fucking deal. You get flipped off, and you flip the person off in return. It's not some strange manner of disrespect that you get really upset over, and you certainly don't want to fight anybody over it. But, apparently, where this guy is from (Virginia, according to his plate), none of that is true.

When he finally stopped his car, it was inches from my bumper - I guess it was a means of intimidation (or he really has no idea where his filling hole is). He quickly jumped out of the car - he looked like a typical Virginia white trash redneck: unbuttoned shirt, unkempt, missing teeth. He slammed his hands against the hood of my car. This didn't seem good at all. He ran around to the side and started banging on my window yelling "COME ON MOTHER FUCKER, YOU THINK YOU CAN GIVE ME THE FINGER AND GET AWAY WITH IT? NOBODY GIVES ME THE FINGER", like some kinda small-dicked, wannabe tough-guy.

I picked up my phone and said, "I can call the police if you think it will help".

His response to this was priceless. I kid-you-not, folks... He actually said "GO AHEAD AND CALL THEM, THEY'LL COME AFTER YOU."

Yes, the police would be arresting me for some reason. I guess giving people the finger is a felony now or something? I dunno.

He banged on my window once again and told me to get out and fight him. I rolled the window down. Suddenly, he didn't want violence anymore, he could've easily grabbed me or touched me through the window, but he didn't - he simply yelled some more about how I "started this whole fight by giving him the finger" or something.

He then kept saying "COME ON TOUGH GUY, GET OUT OF THE CAR. GET OUT NOW." I just laughed at him.

He continued his diatribe about how great he was and how terrible it was I gave him the finger, and how I should get out of the car. That's when I realized that this could be even more hilarious than it already was. I told him I didn't want to get out of the car because I thought he wanted to suck my cock or something. He started jumping up and down screaming like a two-year-old some more. I asked him how many cocks he sucked each weekend and how much he got paid for it. He continued jumping up and down like a baby, screaming about how much I was disrespecting him, and yelling about how he'd hurt me if I got out of the car. So, what did I do? I simply drove away with him still screaming.

I watched him in my rear-view mirror. He went back to the pump to pump gas, and it simply wasn't working. I guess the attendant shut it off because he seemed like a nutcase. Hilarious stuff, really.

I'm never getting gas there again.

And I thought to myself, "So this is Maryland... Tolerant Maryland."

Ray, is your guitar fixed yet?

Immigrants? I'm sick of them.

I'm sick of having things written two different ways.

I'm sick of not being able to understand the people around me.

I'm sick of their accents and their funny language.

The illegal immigrants have to go. I live in upstate New York and it is a goddamned pandemic up here. They cross the border seeking our private healthcare system, which is far better than their socialist system - and then they stay. They pass for locals because of their skin, at face value, so the cops never question them. But these Canadian immigrants are taking the jobs that high schoolers in my area traditionally have - a lot of them are waiters at local restaurants and gas station attendants. Some lucky ones get jobs as teachers. I can't even understand a lot of them when trying to order food at Chili's. I just don't get why so many Americans, especially in my area, tolerate them. I guess it's because they're polite? I dunno.

I went looking for "idiots" but I couldn't find "idiots"...

I went looking for "idiots" but I couldn't find "idiots", but I did find plenty of stupid people. To be completely honest, I don't really know what the quotation marks back there mean, but I'm sure it's my way of being quirky or something. Perhaps I'm implying that the people aren't idiots, but I was looking for them, thinking they might be idiots. Perhaps it means idiots is too nice of a word for them? I'm really not sure. What I am sure of, however, is where this little bit stems from someone named "Lydia22":^[1]

Thank you for posting this. When my husband originally looked for the "artist", he couldn't find the "artist".

Seeing that this picture is everywhere, the illuminati occult must be behind it. I'm relieved that my children will NOT be in public school anymore. Now I know why God told Lot to leave to the mountains! ^[2]

The artist in question is named Ursula Vernon. Why she is an "artist", I'm not really sure. Perhaps she doesn't fit the definition of art in the minds of the idiots posting this trash. Perhaps their (likely small-minded) world view only encompasses "fine art".^[3]

You see, you might think I'm jumping to conclusions here, but if you read the page that I link to below (the source for Lydia22's quote), you'll see that the people there are "smart".^[4] It's an entire forum of folks waiting for Jesus to come get them, and this time, they're angry that Ursula Vernon made a poster for summer reading programs, and that the poster contains a horned something-or-other coming out of the water. Obviously, this is the workings of the Illuminati and their occult love!

THEY'RE TRYIN' TA BRAINWASH THE CHILDRUNS!

They ramble on and on about occult nonsense, insult her abilities as an artist, and even post a picture of her, mocking her appearance. Man, how very Christian of them!

1. Literal quotation marks.
2. Source
3. Mocking of the term encouraged, as the quotation marks could imply.
4. Again, mocking of the term encouraged, as the quotation marks could imply.

GOP Pee Wee

It has come to my attention, by chance and modern events, that my most cherished childhood TV star is a card-carrying member of the Republican Party of the United States. I am, of course, speaking of the highly esteemed, lovable goofball, Pee Wee Herman!

No, I don't mean Paul Reubens. I'm not sure of his political affiliation, and I am not really concerned about it, either. However, the character, Pee Wee Herman, is a dyed-in-red "Red Stater"... There is no doubt in my mind!

Pee Wee being a perv!

I'm sure that by now, you're all wondering how I came to this conclusion. It's simple, really. Pee Wee's most used catchphrase is being used by the Republicans. Obviously, they learned this phrase by association. And, just what phrase is it that I'm speaking of? Well, everybody's favorite childish comeback, "I know you are, but what am I?".

Today, after President Obama criticized the GOP today for their attempts to block a Wall Street reform bill, claiming that they're "out of touch" with the American public, the Republican leader in the House of Representatives pulled out a good ol', "I know you are, but what am I?" statement in response:

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) fired back at the White House Wednesday, arguing that "they're the ones who are out of touch" with the American people while defending his critique of the financial regulatory reform bill as excessive regulation.^[1]

Is that the best a leading member of Congress can do? A comeback I used when I was five? I'd act all shocked and the like, but at this point, I'm not really that shocked about it!

Right about now, you're all thinking I'm crazy. However, folks, the things Pee Wee has in common with Republicans don't just end there! If memory serves me correctly, Dick Cheney's entire reason behind hiding from the public during his tenure as Vice President was due to the fact that he was a loner and a rebel. I also vaguely recall learning in history class that Ronald Reagan often ate Mr. T cereal and talked to his pancakes.

Sure, sure, perhaps this is all just conjecture based on pure coincidence, folks. But I'm a believer, so I'll leave you with this: Somebody had to teach Tucker Carlson to proudly wear that bow tie with style and pizazz!

1. Source

Where do they come from?

An Asylum.com article informed me about "OpenBook", a website that displays public Facebook statuses. It's a completely searchable website - just type in what you're searching for at the top, and you'll get results.

While reading the article, it mentioned that you can easily search for racism on the site, even mentioning a woman's racist rant against Obama. Curiousity struck and I took the initiative to search for it myself. I typed in "Obama" and "nigger", and was shown a veritable buffet of complete batshit idiocy, racism, and people who have no idea what is going on in the world today.

And, here are some examples:

Veronica Garcia: If Obama fixes the oil leak will they call it a nigger rigg. j/k
8 hours ago Roswell, New Mexico

Sorry, Veronica, I seriously doubt there is a "just kidding" clause in the rules of using the n-word.


Meghan Marie obama is a piece of nigger muslim shit who ever voted for his nigger ass burn for all eternity!
13 hours ago via Mobile Web Douglas, Massachusetts

She then goes on to continue it in the comments. When someone calls her "ignorant" she continuously says "Nigger means ignorant" and that Obama is therefore, "a nigger", because he is a "shitfuck of a president".


Koltyn Irvin Ok so i was just informed that if u cal a nigger NIGGER thats a felony,prety fuckd up, some kind of hate crime. . bt if a nigger calls a whitey a cracker then thats okay. some nigger president we got,thanx obama
14 hours ago via Mobile Web

Someone forgot to tell me when hate crime laws were changed to include speech and words. And actually, if they ever did actually do that, I can't imagine it'd be a FUCKING FELONY.


Gregory Allen Alexander I HEARD BLACK HOLE IS NOW OGGICIALLY RACIST TALK - I WONDER IG OBAMA WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ME PICK DIXIE ON MY NEW NIGGER GUITAR ?
16 hours ago Millersburg, Kentucky

What? First off, no, it's not. The NAACP got completely batshit insane over a fucking graduation card. The NAACP doesn't make laws or rules or state what is "officially" (I think that's what this idiot meant to type, anyway) "racist talk".

Where in the fuck do these people get their information? Do I need to watch Fox News more often or something?


Derek Jordan Gotta go to the fucking doctor n the morning. I blame Obama for my knee infection. If we would have been hard at work it wouldn't of had time to set up infection. I hate that fuckin nigger

I'm not sure how Obama is responsible for this guy working or not working, to be honest. But even if he were, I somehow don't see how he's responsible for an infection. Derek Jordan, go fuck yourself.


Gaige Lee Fendenheim dude this oil spil is fucking up are sea and the fucking goverment is doing muthafucking nothing 2 stop it thay jst fucked it up more and what is fucking nigger obama doing 2 stop this shit dude it jst pissing pepl off more thay need 2 get off there fucking ass and get da muthafucking job done yall shit bag lazy fuckhead pussyfuck asshole its jst muthafucking razy 4 real dog it fucked up
1 day ago Starke, Florida

It's not their job to fix it. The people who caused it should fix it. I believe if they tried to fix it, the conservatives would probably just complain about "big government" and how it's "interfering with [big] business".

So there we have it, a pile of uneducated, confused, [seemingly] illiterate people. That's racism, in a nutshell, in America.

Violating proper procedure after a motor vehicle accident.

Several months ago, as some of you might know, my poor truck was struck (and destroyed) while parked. The driver responsible for this didn't get too far after hitting it, as his tie rod end broke, and his wheel basically fell off. So, that's the good news.

The bad news, however, is that this man, a Mr. D Hastings, did not follow proper Baltimore procedure after the accident. As I approached my truck, he walked up to me and apologized profusely, trying to explain himself. He then reached into his wallet and pulled out his insurance card, which is subsequently handed to me.

I wrote down the information from the card, and handed it back to him. When I did so, he apologized again and told me that he'd inform his insurance company, because he was definitely at fault.

In the end, his insurance company, having been notified, took responsibility, and paid a sum of a few thousand dollars to my insurance company.

Well, that sounds easy, doesn't it? And it was!

However, that's not proper post-accident procedure in Baltimore. Apparently, legally, you are required to ditch the vehicle responsible, come back with some friends, and beat the shit out of the victim of the accident:

The driver of a dirt bike plowed through a red light at a West Baltimore intersection Wednesday and broadsided a red sedan, but the most serious injuries suffered by the car's driver didn't come from the crash, according to city police.

A department spokesman said a passenger on the dirt bike quickly hid the cycle in an alley and then returned with friends who beat up the car's driver so severely that he had to be rushed to Maryland Shock Trauma Center, police said.^[1]

So that's what it's come to, apparently!

Someone call the ACLU: BCPD
is doing something to someone.

"Dirt Bikers" in Baltimore are a serious hazard. I've only witnessed a gang of them twice in my life, but both times, they were driving dangerously, zig-zagging across the road (and across the median into on-coming traffic: I kid you not). They'd also randomly jump the curb and ride on the sidewalk. They seemed like an organized gang of transportation menaces. Hell, they were so organized, they even seemingly had some sort-of leader with them.^[2]

What can be done about this? Well, so far, nothing. The police refuse to give chase because the rider might be put at risk. Well, who cares? They're breaking the law and putting people at risk a lot of the time. Several people have died over the years thanks to marauding gangs of dirt bike-riders. I imagine plenty more were injured. Let the riders be the ones to die or be injured when the police give chase.

You know what? Maybe the police need dirt bikes - they're never going to catch them on a Segway...

1. Source>
2. You could tell who he was because he was riding an ATV and not a dirt bike.

I've finally found the value in Noneism.

Noneism is a philosophy - specifically applicable to metaphysics - that some things simply don't exist. Those things that don't exist can have words to describe them, though, so that we can discuss their non-existence.

It's a confusing way to put it, but it's the best I can do without writing several paragraphs. I, your humble narrator, would most dutifully be of service service by linking you to the Wikipedia page if it were any better. But since it's not, I won't.^[1]

I digress, however, as I'm quite possibly rambling on about the meaning of the word and not actually describing how it is a valuable asset to today's world. You see, friends,^[2] Noneism exists in our modern masterpiece of life in the simple form of the term "One-Hour Photo".

"One-Hour Photo" is simply a metaphysical theory, and not a wholly significant, real thing. We give it existence by giving it a term. There is no tangible evidence of actual "One-Hour Photo" in this world, and there likely will never be one. I have no choice bu to postulate, after collecting a lot of evidence, that it simply does not exist, and that it likely never did.

Now, some people might claim that it did, and that they've used it before. But can they prove this? Is there documented evidence of such? Perhaps are they simply straying down the path of Absurdism.^[3]

Again, I feel as though I've strayed from the actual purpose of this entry, and so I shall not get right down to the point:

A historic item.

This weekend, I took a trip with my lovely girlfriend. We visited her hometown, a small town in Pennsylvania. Being that this town is a tiny, historical villa, I decided that some photography would be in the works. Now, I can develop black & white film (and make prints) on my own - I have the facilities for it - but color is out of the realm of possibilities for me at this time. Well, this was my mistake. Film is becoming obsolete, as we all know.^[4] And, because film is becoming, film developing labs are becoming obsolete. The first victims in this war against traditional photography seem to be the mythical "One-Hour Photo" locations.^[5]

The local Walmart, a place I mostly despise, advertises "One-Hour Photo", and some people have even claimed to have utilized it before! However, when I arrived, there was a sign informing me that it was not at all possible to get such a service performed. So, one place down, plenty of more to go, right?

Wrong.

I traveled to the next closest Walmart, which informed me that their machine was sold merely two weeks ago, because film is "becoming obsolete". Well, fine, that's just fine. I know it is, but it hasn't stopped me in the past. However, it seems to be this time. But, I digress...

The lady who informed me of the sale of their machine also told me that I could go "next door", to the Sam's Club (also owned by the evil Empire of Walmart), and get it done there. I did exactly as she asked. I walked to the next building, entered, and asked the girl at the door where their photo desk was. And... No luck!

"Sorry, sir, photo is closed today," she informed me.

Right, so I'll go to the place I bought the fucking film: Target.

Target also did not have "One-Hour Photo", or even a service to SEND IT OUT. THEY'RE ONE OF THE FEW PLACES SELLING FILM... BUT YOU CAN'T GET IT PROCESSED THERE!

Finally, against my better judgment (and a stern warning by a friend), I went to Rite Aid. The local Rite Aid has "1-Hour Photo" on their awning, so it seemed perfect!

I entered the store and quickly found the photo desk. Above the desk was "ONE HOUR PHOTO" in giant fucking yellow letters on a blue background. I seem to have been in luck!

Don't take your film here if
you ever count on seeing
it again!

I quickly made my way to the afforementioned photo desk, which was unstaffed. I looked at the envelopes. There were two different ones: "One Hour Service" and "Out Lab Service".

I picked up the "One Hour Service" envelope, filled it out, put my film in it and put it in the slot. Success!

Or was it?

I went back today, hoping that my film would be done (afterall, I dropped it off over twenty hours ago). And, as you might've expected, it wasn't done.

"Sir, we don't have one hour photo anymore. We ship everything away," the cashier told me.

I looked at her, keenly, and replied, "But it says `one hour photo` several places in your store, and there were envelopes that said it, too."

"Sir, as you can see, there are no envelopes in the `One Hour Service` bin. This is because we no longer offer it," she said to me, as if I was a fucking illiterate moron or something.

"Well, there were several last night. I should know, since I filled one of them out," I retorted.

She tried once again to make excuses for the store's stupidity, "Well, sir, maybe there were, maybe there weren't, but the bin is empty as is the drop-off bin, which means that the guy took them to the lab today. Come back in 3-4 days. I'd say try back on Monday."

In the end, one cannot be sure of the existence of such an abstract concept as "One-Hour Photo". However, I believe I'm demonstrably shown that there is little chance of its actual existence... Kinda like God.

1. Even though I did.
2. Romans? Countrymen?
3. Another, related philosophical movement of the 20th century.
4. And as a Walmart employee extraneously informed me.
5. Which I still don't believe existed to begin with.

Opening up the military to Christians is a mistake!

Some people think allowing open Christianity in the military means nothing more than opening a door that was previously closed. It means much more than that. It would mean simultaneously ushering out the back door anyone who is disapproved of by "Christian" conduct, whether because of legitimate privacy and mental health concerns or because of moral or lifestyle choices.

This outcome is almost inevitable, because pro-Christian activists have made it clear that merely lifting the “ban” on openly Christian military personnel will not satisfy them.

The stand-alone bills that have been introduced to overturn the 1993 law, such as S. 3065, call explicitly for:

Revision of all equal opportunity and human relations regulations, directives, and instructions to add sexual orientation nondiscrimination to the Department of Defense Equal Opportunity policy and to related human relations training programs.

While not in the defense authorization bill amendment approved by the House of Representatives and a Senate committee last week, this goal will undoubtedly be accomplished administratively as part of the “necessary policies and regulations” mandated by that amendment.

This means that all 1.4 million members of the U.S. military will be subject to sensitivity training intended to indoctrinate them into the myths of the Christian movement: that Jesus said some stuff about accepting everybody, no matter who they are (this includes sinners).

Anyone who points to the mountain of evidence to the contrary (and there is an awful lot) - or merely expresses the personal conviction that consenting adults should be able to make their own life choices - runs the risk of receiving a negative performance evaluation for failing to support the military’s “equal opportunity policy” regarding “religious tolerance.”

For no other offense than disbelieving what a few short-sighted members of the not-so-great monotheistic religions have believed for all of history - 6000 years according to them, but many, many, many more according to actual smart people - some service members will be denied promotion, will be forced out of the service altogether, or will simply choose not to reenlist. Other citizens will choose not to join the military in the first place. The numbers lost will dwarf the numbers gained by opening the ranks to practicing Christians.

This pro-Christian political correctness has already begun to infect the military.

As a homosexual and a Marine Corps veteran, I was invited to speak at a gay pride event at Andrews Air Force Base earlier this year. I had every intention of delivering a sexual message, not a political one.

But the invitation was withdrawn after I criticized Former President Dubya’s call to open the military to Christianity in his State of the Union address. The base commander told me they had received some complaints - about a dozen. I pointed out that orchestrating a handful of calls was a simple task for Christian activist groups.

If I was blacklisted merely for supporting existing law, what will happen to those who oppose the new, politically correct law?

Those most likely to suffer are the homosexuals, the polyamorous, the atheists, and the agnostics. While some in the ranks will simply choose not to exercise their First Amendment rights in order to preserve their careers, this is not an option for these people. Their entire lifestyle is contrary to the ridiculous faux moral and theological teachings of the Christian faith.

But under the new regulations, will they be free to ignore preaching from the Bible? Or will they be forced to endure the many passages declaring certain conduct to be a sin?^[1]

Really, though, the satire is over, for now. I don't see how what I wrote is any different than what "Tony Perkins" wrote over at CNN. He has an opinion: that people like him have a right to discriminate and hate people as much as they want. However, he feels like those "rights" are being threatened, and that he himself will be discriminated against and hated. Well, if that's not a ridiculous double-standard, I don't know what is.

Mr. Perkins confuses me. He seems, somehow to think that religious liberty is synonymous with hating people. I'm not sure where this came from, but I have my guesses. To borrow a page from my most hated enemy, Glenn Beck; Maybe Perkins is gay. Can we prove he's not actually a homosexual? Can we prove that he's not in the closet and embarrassed about it? What evidence is there to disprove it? Now, I'm not saying that he is for a fact, a homosexual. But, I am wondering if he could prove that he isn't one. You know, just for the record...

1. Enduring a reading from the Bible is bad enough as it is. That book's a pile of shit!
2. Source

Seattle: A city of progressive politics

Or is it abusive policing? I'm confused today.

(May 8) -- A Seattle police officer offered a tearful apology after being caught on camera kicking an innocent man and using a racial epithet.

The video shows a group of officers standing around three men who are lying on the ground. Seattle Police Detective Shandy Cobane shouts, "I'm going to beat the [expletive] Mexican [expletive] out of you homey! You feel me?"

Cobane later kicks the man in the head and another cop kicks him in the hand.^[1]

Wow. I sure hope they had the right guy. I hope this guy did something wrong. Not that it's right to abuse people even if they did something wrong, really, I just really hope they weren't abusing an innocent guy for no reason at all.

And... Dammit! They were:

The man attacked was not involved in the robbery. After officers let him go, the freelance videographer asked the unidentified man why he had been beaten.

"I don't know. They knocked me down and kicked me in the head," he responded.

But hey, I know that sounds bad and all, but you can rest easily tonight, even if you live in Seattle. I know you're thinking "How?", right? Well, don't you worry, because the officer in question apologized for his hurtful words:^[2]

The detective sobbed as he gave a news conference on Friday to apologize to the Latino community, his colleagues and the city of Seattle, The Seattle Times reported.
Watch more YouTube videos on AOL Video

"I know my words cut deep and were very hurtful," Cobane said. "Please know that I am truly, truly sorry."

Now I know of one more city I'm never going to! I mean, I already felt that I probably wouldn't ever want to go there - it spawned years of bad music and it rains a lot - but this incident just reinforces my negative opinion of it. Thanks for helping me forge my opinions, Detective Cobane... You're a real trooper.

1. Source - complete with a video of the incident, so you can see how much of a bullshit thing this was
2. But not for kicking a person in the head for no reason. *facepalm*

Not happy with the air quality? Then just move!

It's that simple, folks. If you have asthma and you live in Los Angeles, you should just move. It's a simple choice to make and stuff!

At least, that's what marinerjack, a poster at cnn.com, thinks.

marinerjack
RTS- what risks are we "exposing ourselves to". Because I personally dont willfully expose myself to anything risky to my health. Dont smoke, I drink organic dairy, meat, fruits, vegetables. I live in a part of the country where we have very clean air. The only risks that you're exposing yourself to is due to your own choices. If one lives in LA where asthma is prevalent, you can move. Its a matter of choice.^[1]

Now here's a special snowflake! This is a guy that can afford to eat organic stuff (it's not cheap), and thinks everybody else should, too!

This entire thing wreaks of hardcore classism. This idiot can afford to eat all organic crap and lives somewhere with clean air - which I'm gonna guess that's probably somewhere that costs a bit of money to live. And, on top of that, they say it's a choice to expose yourself to stuff! Totally a choice!

But that's not at all reasonable. Can people born in LA who live paycheck-to-paycheck really afford to just... Move? No, of course they fucking can't. To think that is absurd. The answer isn't that people should move from places - those places should seek improvement.^[2]

Just as people who don't have a lot of money and get stuck with dirty water shouldn't just move - because they can't. They should seek a way to improve where they already live.

I take issue with anybody that thinks you can just up and "move" if your environment isn't clean. It's not an issue of choice for most people in Los Angeles. And if this guy thinks it is, he is a clear danger to not only himself, but to society. I wish I could remember the number to Sheppard Pratt...

Marinerjack, please go drown at sea.

1. It's hard to actually link to CNN.com's comments section, so here is a screen cap.
2. It reminds me of this time this dude posted about how much he hated WalMart and how he hated anybody that shopped there. I asked him why he would hate people for having no choice (as some areas of the country have nothing but a WalMart), and he said "Well, in that case, they should just move!" Yep, seriously... People actually believe that shit!

When is albuterol not albuterol?

Not albuterol.

The title asks an important question: When is albuterol not albuterol? The answer to that questions is quite simple: When Walmart is involved.

I went to the doctor's office today, just for a yearly check-up kinda thing and to get my inhaler refilled. My doctor asked me how much it ran these days for someone without insurance (about $40). I told her how much it was, and she was appalled. She then recommended that I go to Walmart or Target, and informed me that the generic albuterol inhaler is less than $10 there.

"Wow, I'm in luck", I thought to myself! $10 is way better than $40, you know?

I left the office, information in hand, and drove to the nearest Walmart. I took my prescription in to the store, and stood in the "Drop Off" line. There was only one person in front of me, but he asked a lot of questions, so I had to stand there for awhile, which kinda sucked, but I was okay with it if I could save $30.

Eventually, another employee realized a line was forming behind me, so she opened up the other "Drop Off" window...and that's where the problem began.

I walked up to her, handed her my paper and said, "Could I get the generic? I'd love to pay less than $10."

She looked at my prescription and said, "I'm sorry, but you can't get the generic."

I was confused, but then remembered something about my prescription, which I pointed out to her, "Right there, my doctor signed the little line that says I can get generic if it's available."

She rolled her eyes, as if I were some sort-of idiot, and then told, "Yes, but what you're talking about is albuterol. That's the generic form of albuterol. You can't get it if your prescription isn't for albuterol!"

"But my prescription is for albuterol," I quipped.

She was getting impatient with me now (and I with her, because this made no sense), and in a huff, she said, "It has to say albuterol in order to get the generic albuterol. Sorry. Maybe you could get your doctor to give you a prescription for albuterol."

Also not albuterol.

So, what did I do? I took my piece of paper and left that Walmart, infuriated by their idiocy. I was thoroughly confused by now, as I was pretty sure my ProAir HFA inhaler said "albuterol" right on it. So, I did the logical thing, and took it out of my pocket. As it turns out, it says "albuterol" on it, just like I thought it would. Knowing that, even with this sorta logical evidence in hand, I could do nothing to deter the Walmart employee from her path of idiocy and complete lack of sensible decision-making, I decided that going back to the doctor's office would get me what I wanted.

I DROVE BACK TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE. I walked in, and I informed the receptionist that I needed to speak to the doctor again, and she said that she'd be with me again.

I waited for a few minutes, and my doctor came out to ask me what was up. I informed her of the problem, and she asked the receptionist to call the Walmart and explain to them that she wanted me to get the generic albuterol instead of ProAir HFA, and if the person she talked to didn't understand it, to talk to the actual pharmacist.

The receptionist called, and I really had hoped that she would've had a better time of it than I did. But, unfortunately, my hopes and dreams were squashed, as the pharmacy tech told the receptionist the same thing that she had told me. The receptionist then did as my doctor asked, and asked to speak with the pharmacist. So, this guy gets on the phone and basically said the same fucking bullshit the tech just said. The receptionist cried out to him, "But ProAir IS albuterol!"

The pharmacist, speaking so loudly that I could hear him through the phone in the waiting area said, "Well, we don't give out generic albuterol unless it says albuterol on the prescription."

The receptionist, seeing that this was going nowhere, digressed, and said, "Well, fine, then can I call in a prescription for albuterol now?"

The pharmacist, apparently annoyed by being contradicted by fact, yelled "NOT NOW" and hung up on her.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK is that?

From Wikipedia's page on "Salbutamol":

Salbutamol (INN) or albuterol (USAN) is a short-acting β2-adrenergic receptor agonist used for the relief of bronchospasm in conditions such as asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. It is marketed by GlaxoSmithKline as Ventolin, Aerolin or Ventorlin depending on the market; by Cipla as Asthalin; by Schering-Plough as Proventil and by Teva as ProAir.^[1]

So, basically, according to Walmart-logic, albuterol wasn't a good substitution for...albuterol. Right.

You know, I often feel sorry for people who have to work at Walmart, because it's a shitty job, and for some people, it's the only job they can get, or the best job they can get (which must really suck). But do you know what? Fuck those two people. They're clearly idiots who don't know what they're talking about, and one of them - the pharmacist - has a college degree! Why are they so fucking stupid? Where has the common sense gone? How can you give out a medication so constantly and not know that it is albuterol? Clearly other people have come in and had the same problem, since the girl knew exactly what I was talking about... WHY haven't they done something about this and become less ignorant on the subject?

Fuck you, Walmart...I'm going to Target.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salbutamol

Oklahoma, we're fuckin' through... Professionally!

My ideal map of the U.S.

My ideal map of the United States keeps getting smaller and smaller. I don't want it to, but it has to. If I keep considering so many stupid states as part of my country, when people say things like "America is full of stupid people," I might have to agree. BUT, if I pretend certain states aren't part of the country anymore, then I'm free to think "We're not that bad." Sure, it's a little bit of a denial on my part, but at this point, can you really blame me? Can anyone blame anyone for feeling this way?

You see, I got to remove Arizona the other day, adding it to Texas and Florida. Well, now the mid-south west is looking even more barren. Without Texas to fill the gap between it and Mexico, Oklahoma fell right off the map!

Though, to blame Texas would be erroneous, and it would be removing the blame from the people and the legislature of Oklahoma.^[1]

The Oklahoma state legislature passed several bills pertaining to abortion last week. All of them were against abortions, in general... And all of them are complete works of failure.

Before we get into the particular bills, I'll point out the fact that governor vetoed one of them specifically because he said it seemed like it'd be unconstitutional (based on previous court rulings on a similar bill). While that seems perfectly reasonable, what doesn't is the fact that the idiot legislature has said they're going to overturn the veto, even though it makes complete sense that it will simply be overturned by court rulings... Just like the last one.^[2]

The above-mentioned bill is one which requires a woman who is seeking an abortion to go through an invasive ultrasound. Basically, they're forcing women who wants abortions to get a probe stuck up their vagina, then showing them a picture of the fetus. You know, to try to convince them that it's a baaaaaabyyyy and stuff. They didn't include any exclusions at all, meaning that victims of rape, who have already felt like their body was violated, get to be violated by doctors because of a state law.

COOOOOL! Gosh, Oklahoma... You're so special and stuff! I am in awe of your legal statutes AND your moral fortitude! When I grow up, Oklahoma, I want to be JUST LIKE YOU.

Or nothing like you. Yeah... That one.

As for the second bill? Well, its supporters say it's to keep people from aborting over handicaps (why that's an issue, I dunno^[3]). What it actually does is prevents people from suing doctors for not disclosing information about the fetus. Basically, if a doctor screws up and doesn't fully disclose what he or she knows about your fetus, you can't sue them. In essence, they can commit medical malpractice, and simply not give a fuck because there are absolutely no repercussions.

Nice job, Oklahoma. Nice job! My message to you? You've really fucked up this time, Oklahoma... You've really fucked up.

But, before we go, let me throw it out there. I'm not alone in my feelings. As it turns out, Kanye West has a message for you, too!

Kanye believes that you have passed some of the dumbest laws of all time, Oklahoma. In a written statement he said, "Yo, Arizona. I'm really happy for you and your stupid laws, and I'm going to let you finish passing more stupid laws, but Oklahomoa just passed some of the dumbest laws of all time. OF ALL TIME!"

1. I'm not sure about the people, to be honest. The governor seems completely reasonable, and he was elected by the same people that elected the legislators.
2. Though, if you think about it in the context of moral fascism and fundamentalism, it makes perfect sense. Whether or not it'll fail means nothing, as they'll be "saving the poor little babies" in the meantime. Which is an even more fucked up way to make laws...
3. Oh, yeah, I do... Anything to keep the number of abortions down, duh!

Oh, Arizona... Why? WHYYY?

This week, Arizona joined my shortlist of states that we could do without. Yep, that's right, Arizona has been put up on the same pedestal as Florida and Texas. Congratulations, Arizona, you've really earned it.

First up is their immigration bill. You'd have to be hiding under a rock to not have heard about it, but if you haven't, I'll give you a quick lesson.

Arizona's new anti-illegal-immigration bill law^[1] requires legal immigrants to carry papers on them at all times. That's fine, probably even reasonable - but also not the issue. The issue is much larger than that: the law gives police the authority to simply ask to see someone's ID if the officer suspects someone of being an illegal immigrant. Of course, Arizona says a panel will make guidelines for this, and so we won't have to worry racial profiling. But of course, that assumes police can follow reasonable guidelines for anything... And police often have shown that they cannot.

Now, one might think this isn't a problem. However, a simple driver's license will not necessarily suffice in the eyes of Arizona, since AZ itself has often given licenses to illegal immigrants. So, basically, if you have any heritage of the hispanic/latino kind, you'd better carry your birth certificate on you at all times in Arizona.^[2] Failure to be able to prove it on the spot can lead to arrest and a $500 fine.

The other "lulz" this week from Arizona is a gem of a bill which will require Obama to show his birth certificate to appear on the 2012 ballot in Arizona.^[3] Nevermind the fact that he's already shown it to the people that matter most - the US Justice Department - or given a copy to the media - or had folks in Hawaii said the copy he gave matches the original - no, nevermind any of that at all! All of the stuff in my list doesn't count because Arizona is a special snowflake of a state, and they expect more from their Presidential candidates (the ones with funny names and dark skin, anyway).^[4]

Arizona, I leave you with these immortal words from Jon Stewart (to Fox News): Go fuck yourselves.

1. It became a law today, actually.
2. Providing your name isn't Obama, anyway... Then that won't even do.
3. Source
4. I wonder if they'll require McCain to show his when running for Senate? Can you even read his anymore, or is it like some ancient manuscript, indecipherable except to the eye of a seasoned archaeologist?

Patrick Swayze was MY favorite actor, too!

No, really, he was. I absolutely loved Red Dawn! Who didn't? And who could forget the epic fight scenes of Roadhouse? Or the love story of Dirty Dancing!? This man had it all. He was fantastic!

Actually, in all honesty, I didn't really care for him that much (or any of those movies). In fact, I cared for him so little that I'd never even say I cared for him just for the sake of insulting someone else.^[1]

On the other hand, some people would. Take, for example, this thing that's been going around on Facebook:

Dear Lord, this year you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayzie (sic). You took my favorite actress, Farah (sic) Fawcett. You took my favorite singer, Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know, my favorite president is Barack Obama. Amen.^[2]

So, I get it, some people don't like Obama. About half the country doesn't like Obama. That's fine. They probably shouldn't wish for his death, but whatever. What really is remarkable here is the telltale signs of the kind of person that doesn't like Obama. Apparently, these people like bad music, pedophiles, and awful movies... Oh, and they can't spell.

Well, okay, maybe that doesn't really encompass all of them, but it's certainly hilarious that people are actually posting the above on Facebook! I mean, if you don't like Obama and you really want him to die, is it really worth having to - even falsely - admit that Michael Jackson was your favorite musician? I hated George W. Bush, but I would've never've said, "This year, God, you took Pope John Paul II from me. He was my favorite Pope. By the way, my favorite President is George W. Bush."^[3] I also wouldn't say, if they were to die tomorrow, "God, you took my favorite band from me, ICP. By the way, my favorite fat loser nerd in the entire world is my girlfriend's ex-boyfriend". No matter how much I wish for bad things to happen to that guy, I really just can't ever admit, even jokingly, to liking ICP. I would rather put a bullet up my nose and into my brain.

In short, they should be embarrassed about their bad taste. And, if they're just saying to try to be funny, then they should be embarrassed about their poor sense of humor. And, in any case, they should be embarrassed for not fixing the spelling errors.

1. Present blog entry is an exception. :P
2. Source
3. Actually, I don't like the Catholic Church, but JP² wasn't so bad. I was just making a reference to the pedophile scandals, as a strange analogous joke to the Michael Jackson thing.

I am outraged... OUTRAGED, INTERNET!

KFC has introduced a new sandwich, the infamous "Double Down". This sandwich is not like a typical sandwich at all. Unlike a typical sandwich, this one contains no bread/bun/roll. In the place of such starchy goodness, it has two pieces of fried, breaded chicken breast. Between these chicken breasts are several types of cheese AND slices of bacon.^[1]

I'm completely outraged over this situation, internet. How could KFC do such a thing!? How could they introduce such an unhealthy sandwich in to the heart of America? This sandwich is nothing but a pile of fat and grease.^[2] This sandwich has no nutritional value and serves no real purpose other than to cause an obesity epidemic!

Actually, I'm not outraged about it at all. I am, however, still outraged. You see, I'm more outraged at the massive amount of fail going around the internet. I've read several blogs/news articles/etc that complain about this sandwich, like it's the Rapture; as if it signifies the end of times.^[3]

But guess what, blogosphere? This sandwich only has 32 grams of fat and 540 calories. Sure, that's a ton of fat and calories, blogosphere. But, guess what? It's all been done before. This is nothing new!

The BK Stacker (the smallest one - we don't even want to talk about the largest one) has 560 calories and 39 grams of fat, and it's been around for years. Where was the blog-based outrage over that back in 2006? Or, if we're really just mad at KFC mixing stuff up, where were these prophets of doom when the KFC Potato Bowl came out?

It seems to me that people are treating it like it's the new Holocaust because it's two pieces of fried chicken with both bacon and cheese involved. Yes, reading the description makes me think, "Wow, that sounds ridiculously unhealthy". But, when you get down to it, it's not really that bad considering the shit America already eats in fast food restaurants.

1. Mmm, bacon!
2. Delicious, delicious fat and grease!
3. To be fair, its packaging does contain the phrase, "The end is very fucking nigh."

Things are just getting MORE confusing now.

In my last blog, I explained how much simpler the world was when I was younger. And now, today, I've found another example of that. In my youth, if you followed a law, you couldn't be prosecuted and charged with a crime because of another law - that's just how the law worked. Apparently, that is no longer how it works... At least, in Wisconsin, anyway!

District Attorney Scott Southworth from Juneau County (that's in Wisconsin, not Alaska) is threatening to charge sex-education teachers with "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" if they teach teens how to properly use condoms or birth control. On the very basis of what he said, that last sentence is pretty ridiculous. On the basis that, under a new Wisconsin law, sex-education teachers are required to teach teens how to properly use contraceptive methods, it's even more bat-shit insane.

So, to sum this short post up, if you teach sex-education in Juneau County, Wisconsin, you're either losing your job or going to jail - there is no middle ground.^[1] The teachers here can either follow the state law and risk being charged with a crime (by Herr Dunce over there to the left), or they can follow what this idiot says and risk losing their jobs. That's a pretty tough decision, especially in these economically trying times.

1. And ending up in a stupid court battle where you are eventually set free and the judge insults the DA's intelligence.
2. Source