I met a group of useless Americans today. There were at least 10 of them. They formed a long line of uselessness, which blocked up a T-intersection and caused a traffic headache. Why? Because ANARCHY IN THE U.S., THAT'S WHY! A small rock blocked a traffic line! A rock![1]
Now, this wasn't just any rock, folks... No, this was a special rock that brought rush hour traffic to a grinding halt. You see, this rock was huge! HUGE I tell you! It weighed a hefty sum of AT LEAST 25 pounds! AT LEAST!
It seems as though some awful driver crashed into a rock wall (whoops!) and knocked some rocks out, and this one particular one landed RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE! This was HORRIBLE! It was okay at first, it seems, as the people were able to drive around it... But then, oh no! THEN... The worst thing in the world happened: TRAFFIC STARTED BACKING UP FROM THE STOP SIGN IN THE OPPOSING LANE. SOON THE PEOPLE COULDN'T DRIVE AROUND THE ROCK BECAUSE THERE WERE CARS IN THE OTHER LANE! WHAT WERE THEY TO DO!?
Well, I'll tell you, folks... Why? Because I'm a nice guy. These people... Formed a line. They formed a traffic line, to be exact, and it was at least 10 cars deep. Yep, they just sat there and hoped that the rock would magically sprout legs like something out of Harry Fucking Potter, and then it would walk the fuck off the goddamned road on its own. But guess what? I don't have to tell you this (I hope) - WE LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD AND HARRY POTTER IS A FICTIONAL... FICTIONAL... CHARACTER! So, while they were all waiting for Harry Potter to cast a spell or the Virgin Fucking Mary to show up and grant them a friggin' miracle, I was sitting there in the opposite lane thinking, "WOW, WHAT A BUNCH OF MORONS."
Now you're wondering, I know, "DID THIS HORRIBLE TRAVESTY AGAINST TRAFFIC PATTERNS EVER COME TO AN END?"
Why yes, folks, it did! It ended because there was a super hero present! With his awesome super powers, he was able to push the massive boulder from the roadway and allow traffic to continue on its merry little way. That super hero? It was me.
I figured that since nobody else had the motivation or intellectual know-how on how to get out and move a 20 pound rock from the road, I'd do it for them. And guess what? The first driver was REALLY thankful. HE THANKED ME SEVERAL TIMES WHILE DRIVING BY. Yep, it's great I was there! But hey, that's not all, nope![2] You see, the SECOND guy in line one-upped the first guy and actually said to me, "I WOULD'VE NEVER HAVE THOUGHT TO DO THAT!"
And there we have it, one American was thankful that somebody did a really simple thing that he could've done himself, and the next WOULDN'T'VE EVEN HAVE THOUGHT TO DO IT. This is America. This is hopeless.
1. It did not give a wrong time, however.
2. This is beginning to sound like one of those infomercials... I'm not going to offer you a second set of anything, though. I promise.
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