Fueling up a vehicle isn't supposed to be difficult. Anybody that's driven (outside of the state of NJ, where it is illegal to do so) has likely pumped their own fuel before. It's not a difficult task, and it should never be made to be such. But tonight, it was. Tonight, I had no choice but to deal with the harsh reality of America: it is full of stupid, insecure people.
I'm gonna tell you a story about the last time I was in Parkville, Maryland.
I pulled up (to the house about 7 or 8?) to the gas station, and nobody else was there, from what I could tell: 8 empty pumps. Though, there was one car that seemed to be parking. Seeing that the pumps were empty, I pulled through to the front pump, so I could easily leave when I was finished. That was my first mistake.
As it turns out, the guy I thought was parking wasn't actually parking. You see, he was actually turning around so he could come pull back and pull up so his filling hole was on the correct side of the pump.
He pulled towards me, rapidly waving frantically for me to move back. I shrugged my shoulders and ignored him - there were 7 other empty pumped he could've pulled up to. He continued driving towards me, now beeping his horn - I thought he was going to hit the car. I moved back so he wouldn't run into me, but he continued his beeping and strange waving. I was thinking, "Wow, this guy is a real fucking asshole". So what did I do? I flipped him off. This was my second mistake.
You see, where and how I grew up, "the middle finger" isn't exactly a term of endearment, but it's also not a huge fucking deal. You get flipped off, and you flip the person off in return. It's not some strange manner of disrespect that you get really upset over, and you certainly don't want to fight anybody over it. But, apparently, where this guy is from (Virginia, according to his plate), none of that is true.
When he finally stopped his car, it was inches from my bumper - I guess it was a means of intimidation (or he really has no idea where his filling hole is). He quickly jumped out of the car - he looked like a typical Virginia white trash redneck: unbuttoned shirt, unkempt, missing teeth. He slammed his hands against the hood of my car. This didn't seem good at all. He ran around to the side and started banging on my window yelling "COME ON MOTHER FUCKER, YOU THINK YOU CAN GIVE ME THE FINGER AND GET AWAY WITH IT? NOBODY GIVES ME THE FINGER", like some kinda small-dicked, wannabe tough-guy.
I picked up my phone and said, "I can call the police if you think it will help".
His response to this was priceless. I kid-you-not, folks... He actually said "GO AHEAD AND CALL THEM, THEY'LL COME AFTER YOU."
Yes, the police would be arresting me for some reason. I guess giving people the finger is a felony now or something? I dunno.
He banged on my window once again and told me to get out and fight him. I rolled the window down. Suddenly, he didn't want violence anymore, he could've easily grabbed me or touched me through the window, but he didn't - he simply yelled some more about how I "started this whole fight by giving him the finger" or something.
He then kept saying "COME ON TOUGH GUY, GET OUT OF THE CAR. GET OUT NOW." I just laughed at him.
He continued his diatribe about how great he was and how terrible it was I gave him the finger, and how I should get out of the car. That's when I realized that this could be even more hilarious than it already was. I told him I didn't want to get out of the car because I thought he wanted to suck my cock or something. He started jumping up and down screaming like a two-year-old some more. I asked him how many cocks he sucked each weekend and how much he got paid for it. He continued jumping up and down like a baby, screaming about how much I was disrespecting him, and yelling about how he'd hurt me if I got out of the car. So, what did I do? I simply drove away with him still screaming.
I watched him in my rear-view mirror. He went back to the pump to pump gas, and it simply wasn't working. I guess the attendant shut it off because he seemed like a nutcase. Hilarious stuff, really.
I'm never getting gas there again.
And I thought to myself, "So this is Maryland... Tolerant Maryland."
Ray, is your guitar fixed yet?
I'm gonna tell you a story about the last time I was in Parkville, Maryland.
I pulled up (to the house about 7 or 8?) to the gas station, and nobody else was there, from what I could tell: 8 empty pumps. Though, there was one car that seemed to be parking. Seeing that the pumps were empty, I pulled through to the front pump, so I could easily leave when I was finished. That was my first mistake.
As it turns out, the guy I thought was parking wasn't actually parking. You see, he was actually turning around so he could come pull back and pull up so his filling hole was on the correct side of the pump.
He pulled towards me, rapidly waving frantically for me to move back. I shrugged my shoulders and ignored him - there were 7 other empty pumped he could've pulled up to. He continued driving towards me, now beeping his horn - I thought he was going to hit the car. I moved back so he wouldn't run into me, but he continued his beeping and strange waving. I was thinking, "Wow, this guy is a real fucking asshole". So what did I do? I flipped him off. This was my second mistake.
You see, where and how I grew up, "the middle finger" isn't exactly a term of endearment, but it's also not a huge fucking deal. You get flipped off, and you flip the person off in return. It's not some strange manner of disrespect that you get really upset over, and you certainly don't want to fight anybody over it. But, apparently, where this guy is from (Virginia, according to his plate), none of that is true.
When he finally stopped his car, it was inches from my bumper - I guess it was a means of intimidation (or he really has no idea where his filling hole is). He quickly jumped out of the car - he looked like a typical Virginia white trash redneck: unbuttoned shirt, unkempt, missing teeth. He slammed his hands against the hood of my car. This didn't seem good at all. He ran around to the side and started banging on my window yelling "COME ON MOTHER FUCKER, YOU THINK YOU CAN GIVE ME THE FINGER AND GET AWAY WITH IT? NOBODY GIVES ME THE FINGER", like some kinda small-dicked, wannabe tough-guy.
I picked up my phone and said, "I can call the police if you think it will help".
His response to this was priceless. I kid-you-not, folks... He actually said "GO AHEAD AND CALL THEM, THEY'LL COME AFTER YOU."
Yes, the police would be arresting me for some reason. I guess giving people the finger is a felony now or something? I dunno.
He banged on my window once again and told me to get out and fight him. I rolled the window down. Suddenly, he didn't want violence anymore, he could've easily grabbed me or touched me through the window, but he didn't - he simply yelled some more about how I "started this whole fight by giving him the finger" or something.
He then kept saying "COME ON TOUGH GUY, GET OUT OF THE CAR. GET OUT NOW." I just laughed at him.
He continued his diatribe about how great he was and how terrible it was I gave him the finger, and how I should get out of the car. That's when I realized that this could be even more hilarious than it already was. I told him I didn't want to get out of the car because I thought he wanted to suck my cock or something. He started jumping up and down screaming like a two-year-old some more. I asked him how many cocks he sucked each weekend and how much he got paid for it. He continued jumping up and down like a baby, screaming about how much I was disrespecting him, and yelling about how he'd hurt me if I got out of the car. So, what did I do? I simply drove away with him still screaming.
I watched him in my rear-view mirror. He went back to the pump to pump gas, and it simply wasn't working. I guess the attendant shut it off because he seemed like a nutcase. Hilarious stuff, really.
I'm never getting gas there again.
And I thought to myself, "So this is Maryland... Tolerant Maryland."
Ray, is your guitar fixed yet?
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