Property Rights in America (aka I "look like the kinda guy that could use a job.")

I won't deny anybody their property rights. I hate when people touch or move my things, personally. This is a story about just that: Me touching and moving someone's stuff...and the consequences of such actions.

I stopped at the Walgreens by my day job this morning and bought a V8.^[1] This is a semi-regular occurrence for me, to be honest. I purchased my beverage and made my way back to my car - this story is all very typical up until now. As I approached my car, I saw a woman in her 50s get into the car next to me. As she got in, she rolled down her window, unwrapped a piece of candy, and threw the wrapper out the window and onto my car.

I thought to myself, "Wow, why would someone just litter like that? It's a tiny candy wrapper. She had a purse, and a coat with pockets, and she was in a car - there were so many other places to put that garbage."

Being that I don't like trash ON my car, I went to pick it up as she drove away. A slight breeze blew it onto the ground at this point. I figured that there was no reason not to throw it away anyway, so I picked it up.

BUT THAT IS WHERE I WENT WRONG, FELLOW AMERICANS. THAT IS WHERE I COMMITTED A CRIME AGAINST THIS WOMAN'S ELITE SOCIAL STATUS, READERS! THIS IS WHEN THE QUIET MIDDLE AGED WOMAN BECAME EMBARRASSED AND HULKED OUT.

She put her car into reverse - YES, INTO REVERSE - and drove back to me. I was puzzled by this, but thought maybe she forgot something.

She said to me, "Thank you for picking up my trash."

I smiled and replied, "Somebody had to."

She smiled back and told me, "I could throw some more trash out if you want. You look like someone who could use a job."

She then drove away, throwing more trash out of her window. Yes, this is a woman in her 50s, driving a LEXUS in a pretty high society area... And she is littering... ALL BECAUSE I DARED TO PICK UP HER INITIAL LITTER.

I did the only right thing - I walked behind her, picking up the trash. She was driving towards my eventual destination anyway, so it only seemed right.

When she parked, she got out of her car and realized I had my phone in my hand. She told me, "You should make a video with your phone. Maybe you can tell the police, but they won't care."

I said to her, "Maybe I can put it on YouTube so everybody can see how awesome you are!"

This is when I crossed the line, apparently, because after this, it was nothing but personal insults...

"Just don't put your face on there, it'll scare people away because it's kinda ugly!"

I retorted, "Oh, mam, you are very delusional. You aren't very attractive yourself."

Her: "Boy would you like me to litter some more? You really look like you could use a job. You need the money. Maybe they could pay you to do it. You seem to have so much extra time on your hands. Maybe you could buy some new clothes."

Me: "I am on my way to work. What about you? Do you need a job? That coat looks like it could stand to be replaced. You seem too lazy to have a job though, since you can't even throw out garbage."

Her: "Sir I have a job. I have a very good job thank you."

Me: "Oh, I know you do. Is it `throwing garbage into the parking lot?`"

We were now walking into the store, and she continued talking to me.

Stupid old lady: "Just go ahead and record me and put me on YouTube sir. That is fine. Again just don't put yourself on there or you will scare people."

Moi: "Okay, but you are kinda ugly yourself."

I then ran into my girlfriend, who I had journeyed across the parking lot to meet. I said to her, "Hey honey, meet my new friend. She loves to litter and yell about it when you pick it up."

She kept on with her attitude about how she was right and I was wrong, and then my girlfriend said to her, "I hope you are proud of yourself mam!"

She replied in what we can assume is the only way she could, immaturely, with the phrase, "I HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF IN THAT HAT!"^[2]

I guess she didn't like that I touched her trash. She clearly wanted it where she had put it - on my car/on the ground.

America: What a country!

p.s. She passed THREE garbage cans on the way into the grocery store.

1. My night job, of course, is a superherovillain.

2. She has a fuzzy black hat with a skunk stripe on it. Apparently this lady's only method of response is to insult the clothing choices of others.