Yabba-dabba-do!

"Hey Barney!"

"Hey Fred!"

"Hey Barney, how many Texans does it take to discuss the theory of evolution?"

"Well, gee, Fred, I don't know..."

"None of them, Barney, because Texans don't believe in evolution! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Meet the Flintstones", reads the title on a new article by the Texas Tribune. And there isn't a more apt title for the article, either, as it turns out.

According to the article, 50% of people polled thought that evolution was fake, stating that they disagreed with the statement, "humans developed from earlier species." Meanwhile, 30% of those polled thought that humans lived at the same time as dinosaurs, while another 30% "weren't sure."^[1][2]

Is this scary to anybody else? According to the data, less than half of people in Texas know when dinosaurs and humans lived - LESS THAN HALF! And, what's worse than that? The rest of the population seems to live in the fantasy world of "The Flintstones was a historical biographic cartoon."^[3]

One thing is clear, in Texas, they are years behind the rest of the country in eduaction. Perhaps this stretches into technology as well? I'm betting they still use record players, TI-82s, and Commodore 64s.^[4]

After reading the original article, I sought out the opinions of Texans. I had the immense pleasure (see: laughter is the best medicine) to speak with Brian Jameson (pictured right), who said "Mr. J, we're not all that stupid. I swear, Mr. J, some of us are capable of simple arithmetic, and we have a basic understanding of science: If it smells bad, don't eat it."

Asked if he's ever been to the Museum of Creation, with a confused look on his face, Mr. Jameson responded with, "What's a mus-e-um?"

You know, I used to hold pretty strong and firm beliefs that Florida was the most worthless state in the nation. I also definitively considered it the dumbest state in the nation.^[5] However, in light of this new data, I have no choice but to declare Texas the hands-down winner of the competition.

Florida, you have until midnight tonight to hand over your crown to Texas State officials.

And so we've come to the end of another installment of "mock stupid people for their irrational beliefs". I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it (which, to be honest, wasn't much).

And I know after reading this, you, the valiant reader, is thinking right now, "Mr. J, be careful. Don't know know? You don't mess with Texas!" Well, what're they going to do, sic their dinosaur pals on me?

1. Source
2. I guess the Museum of Creation got that one right, eh?
3. According to the article, Lewis Black said it first, but I didn't know that until just now, after I read the entire article. Oh well.
4. Odd that Texas Instruments would make decent technology, isn't it?
5. Look, they had not one, but TWO incidents of domestic abuse involving SANDWICHES. SANDWICHES, PEOPLE! IN ONE MONTH'S TIME, EVEN! And they also fired a teacher for "practicing witchcraft" because he made a coin disappear as a magic trick. Florida is pretty bad!

Denise Albert: Queen of Public Spaces.

Introducing Her Majesty, Queen Denise Albert, sovereign ruler of public spaces:

Queen Denise is the sovereign ruler of the place known as "Public Space". She ascended to her royal pedestal the day she popped out her first offspring.

Hours after giving birth, she was sent on her merry way, like most new mothers. Once out of the hospital, she found that people did not bend to her will, and that some were actually inconveniencing her. Moving quickly, she squashed the uppity public and started enforcing draconian measures upon them.

As she is royalty, you will do the following:
1. Open doors for her and her brood of offspring.
2. Not sit where you want in the movie theatre, as it might block the view of her royal offspring.
3. Move out of her way when her gigantic, SUV-sized stroller is rolling upon the sidewalk.
4. When at work and on "her time", work faster, as you cannot inconvenience Her Majesty. As Queen of Public Spaces, Her Majesty has important duties, and cannot be slowed down by incompetent workers that work at a normal pace!
5. Keep your animals away from her kids. Yes, it is your job to keep animals away from her kids, as She is royalty and thus does not have to control her children in public.
6. Step up and over the curb, as the little ramps they build are only for entitled folks that actually have wheels on something they're using.
7. Do not offend the Queen, or you will surely face her wrath.

If you can follow these seven simple rules, then you will be free to live your life in peace and harmony (as much as a public serf can, anyway). If you cannot follow these rules, execution is in your near future.

ALL HAIL QUEEN DENISE, OUR BENEVOLENT OVERLORD OF PUBLIC SPACES!

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Hot Dogs: A Silent Killer

In the cold, dark, depths in the back of the meat drawers of many American refrigerators lurks a silent and deadly killer. Most people overlook this killer in favor for its relative popularity and acceptance in America. The name of this serial killer? Hot dog.

Long-associated with baseball and ballparks, Fourth of July, Memorial Day, and Labor Day cookouts, the hot dog is an American food icon. But these days, it's known as a secret killer: a silent murderer of children in the United States. And, while it's becoming known for its homocidal tendancies, we can't escape our love for the Hot Dog in America. Even the mother of one its young victims recently said of the hot dog, "almost American as apple pie". However, now, that same mother, Joan Adler, has struck a chord against America, calling the hot dog "horrible" (and thus implying that America itself is horrible).

Adler's goal? To destroy American culture through her rabble-rousing. With her in this quest is a growing chorus of anti-American organizations, such as the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Their stated goal is to "have hot dogs redesigned". And, while that is noble (but stupid, confusing cause - how does one redesign a hot dog?), it's obvious that the ultimate of this small band of rebels is to dismantle a great American tradition; a great American tradition that is older than baseball itself.

The anarchistic group has claimed their reasoning for the demands of change is "safety", and a few members have been quoted as saying that it's all "for the childruns". And while they are a small, but growing movement, they are not without opposition. Most notable of the opposition is famed hot dog manufacturer, Oscar Meyer.

Oscar Meyer believes that "warning labels" on hot dog packaging should be enough to stave off the onslaught of infanticide by their product. A press-release earlier today stated, "We here, at Oscar Meyer, believe that parents are stupid if they allow their kid to choke on a hot dog. Not only are they proving Darwin correct, but they are aiding the gene pool by removing their unintellectual offspring from it."

Adler (along with some other mothers from her group) claims that the corporations are fueled by greed, and that is why they do not want to redesign hot dogs. Melissa Smithson, possibly one of Adler's lackeys, stated, "The corporations just enjoy their profits, they don't care about real Americans. Any mother will tell you what needs to be done to help kids... And this one of those things that needs to be done", she said.

In my search for opposing opinions, I found several, despite what Smithson said. I asked for the opinion of one young mother on this, and she agreed to give it to me. Speaking on a condition of anonymity (and fearing for her life due to possible violent reprisals from Adler's anarchistic group), she told me, "It's not that hard, you know, eating a hot dog. Step 1: Obtain knife or other sharp object such as katana or chainsaw. Step 2: Mutilate food into tiny bits. Step 3: Insert food into child. The end."

Famed hot dog connoisseur, James McBrady, suggested that people use mustard or ketchup as a type of "lubricant", thus lessening the choking hazard associated with such foods. He suggested using watery ketchup, as water-based lubricants are better for the throat and the hot dog.

Meanwhile, Dr. Gary Smith, director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio (and noted anti-American), authored a craptacular new book on the subject. The book, which demands changes in food design, contains a few hundred pages of moronic nonsense and insists on building a nanny state as far as food is concerned.

In his book, he mentions hot dogs, and then rambles on for several chapters about them, mostly in a complete aimless manner. Joining hot dogs on his list of foods that need to be destroyed redesigned is "apples".

"Why apples and hot dogs?" I asked myself. But, then I thought about it, and it dawned on me:

As stated earlier, apple pie is probably the most American food, with hot dogs coming in as a close second (according to popular opinion^[2]). It seems, then, that Smith's ultimate goal, like the goals of Adler and her friends, is to destroy American culture.

In the interest of information, knowledge, and the destruction of ignorance, I tried to contact Dr. Smith to ask him why he wants to destroy America. However, his secretary referred me to Dr. Smith's lawyer after the three-hundred-and-seventeenth telephone call. I'm due in court in July.

So, where do I stand on this hot dog malarky? REDESIGNING HOT DOGS BECAUSE SOME KIDS CAN'T FUCKING EAT THEM AND THEIR PARENTS ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO REALIZE THAT THEY HAVE TO CUT THEM UP INTO LITTLE PIECES... WELL THAT'S JUST FUCKING STUPID.

1. Source
2. A Gallup poll said so. Seriously.