You'll never find a more wretched hive...

The title is part of a phrase of immortal words, spoken by the fictional character Obi Wan Kenobi. In Star Wars: A New Hope, he is speaking of "Mos Eisley Spaceport". I, however, am speaking of fmylife.com.

If you've made it this far into the internet, I'm sure you've visited it before, or at least heard of it. On fmylife.com, people post stories relating to how shitty their day went. Other users can then vote on any particular story by clicking "I agree, your life sucks", or "you totally deserved it." For the most part, the overwhelming majority of stories end up with a huge margin of "I agree, your life sucks" votes.

On the other hand, sometimes, it goes the other way, and with good cause. But yet, there are still other times when I have to scream "WHAT THE FUCK" at the computer screen after seeing how many people have told somebody that they totally deserved whatever it was that happened. Today, I read an entry that did exactly that:

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML^[1]

Right now, as of this posting, the above story has received 14246 "you totally deserved it" votes (and 7188 "I agree, your life sucks" votes).

This kinda thing reeks of old-fashioned sexism. Women are apparently special snowflakes, to be worshipped, never bothered, and never asked a personal question... And if you don't respect that, you deserve any bad actions that come your way.

Well, fuck that.

I know that plenty of women (and men) are not comfortable with being asked about their weight, and I even know that in some reserved parts of society, asking a woman her weight (or age) is a big fucking deal. But pardon me when I say, WHEN THE FUCK HAS IT EVER BEEN A BIG ENOUGH DEAL THAT PEOPLE THINK IT'S OKAY TO DESTROY SOMEBODY ELSE'S EXPENSIVE PROPERTY?

That's totally not okay. It's okay to be angry - I personally think it'd be silly to even be angry - but that's anybody's prerogative. However, it's definitely not okay to throw somebody's $300 video game system out the window because they asked you how much you happened to weigh.

But yet, some people really think it's okay:

There is many things not to ask to your girlfriend. The worst is exactly what you said. You deserved it...

P.S. I once called my girlfriend "bébé boule" (that's in french) or baby ball in english. I slept on the couch for 2 weeks and a half.^[2]

Yes, your girlfriend is an angry person who deals with her anger by making you sleep on the couch, and if I were you, I'd break up with the crazy lady. However, your situation is not the situation that everybody else finds themselves in, and I certainly hope it's not anything even relative to normal. I think that people don't go crazy over a cute "pet name" that they find offensive. I also think that most people - even women - wouldn't go fucking nuts, breaking shit in the process, just because somebody asked them their weight.

In the end, even if you're overweight and self-conscious about it, this is definitely not okay. There are much, much, MUCH healthier ways to express your anger - ways that don't involve being a psychotic fuckhead that makes your partner afraid to ever ask you something personal again.

If this is how she reacts to that personal question, I'd hate to see what happens if he ever asks her if she's having her period.

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Westmonster Zombie Walk '13 - My Unfortunate War with The Digital Lightbox Photography

The WestMonster Zombie Walk is a pretty cool event. I went to it last year. Hell, I went to it this year... But it was not a cool event, because there was a racist shitbag there who tries to control the lives of others.

You see, last year, I was there with my camera - it was an average DSLR. There were other people there with DSLRs, including the "official photographer", CrazyJow (of The Digital Lightbox in Hanover, PA), who didn't have a badge or anything of the sort and was using rather mediocre equipment. My friends' band was there, my girlfriend was selling her zombie arts and crafts, and I spent he day taking photos of everything. The official photographer spent the day eye-fucking me from the minute I pulled out my bag. I didn't really pay any attention to it, and it didn't seem like a big deal.

After the event was over, I and others posted my photos on the event page. Mine soon disappeared. I posted them again. They disappeared again. And finally, a third time I posted them... And they disappeared.

I gave up. Clearly this wasn't a Facebook error, and my girlfriend told me that the guy at the event was giving me dirty looks the entire day (I don't always notice as I'm an aspie).

I promptly forgot about the whole thing, because really... Who cares?

July rolls around and they start planning this year's walk. They ask my girlfriend to be a vendor, she says yes... Then it happens...

The "official photographer" asks her to tell me not to "be in his way" because I was "always in his way" and that is why he didn't get any good shots last year (the shots he got were all blurry and dark, not sure what that has to do with me).

To be professional, I figured I'd simply take photos of the band that I'm friends with (I'm pretty much their official photographer at this point - even did their album insert), and of my girlfriend's table and nothing else, simply so this guy couldn't cry about me being in the way. We both forgot about the whole thing and moved on...

The night before the event, this idiot e-mails me on Facebook and tells me to just "leave my camera home" because he is the official photographer, CrazyJow (of The Digital Lightbox in Hanover, PA), of the event - an event that's held in public and costs nothing to get into. Well, okay then... Now I was definitely bringing my stuff and taking photos of the band.

So I did that. I took photos of the band and absolutely nothing else. But he still insisted on running up to me at one point and asking me if I was with the band and telling me, "I'm the OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPHER OF THIS EVENT!" When I asked him if he told everybody else with a DSLR the same thing, he stammered for an answer and finally said, "Your equipment is good so I figured you must be official in some way to someone."

The entire time, I kinda made fun of the situation on Facebook and my friends poked fun at it. One of them decided to go make a joke on the official page of the event, saying they knew some "professional photographers who could take good shots if they wanted to hire any". And CrazyJow (of The Digital Lightbox in Hanover, PA) went insane after that.

He banned my girlfriend from vending next year (he's not even the head of the event - the head of the event is unresponsive to all of this and has ignored all attempts at communication - he must also be unrprofessional), threatened legal action over harassment (because of that post that was a joke), said he was going to sue me personally for "slander" because of what I had written on my personal FB page (just the facts of what was said and done), and then went as far as to refer to my bi-racial girlfriend as "a half-breed".

Here he is calling my girlfriend a "half breed", but it's okay guys, because he's one too!

Here he is telling me not to bring my camera:

Here he is admitting to me that he doesn't know how to use a speedlight/non-popup flash and basically telling me that he shoots on auto:

Yes, people, never ever look at your LCD. It's the mark of someone who is bad. (Guess he shoots on auto.)

And don't point your flash with a diffuser on it at the sky... Or use a bounce card with it instead of the diffuser. He just doesn't understand that.

Finally, I'm gonna call out Charlie Ruckus of Ruckus Productions. He has been completely silent on this whole matter and not responded to anything. I've attempted to contact him, as has my girlfriend, about this entirely unprofessional situation. Instead of handling it, we've got nothing but silence.

...not to mention, the event was held on private property in a shopping center and they didn't even get permission from the property manager. How much more unprofessional can you get?

(And Joe's girlfriend is a racist, too, having posted on Facebook a comment about someone that read, "I know black people can't spell, but your white!" Yeah, YOUR WHITE. LOL! Now who can't spell?)

A Game of Groans: The Dangerous Sport of Pissing Off Bingo Patrons

As a kid, I would sometimes play the game of BINGO! in the community activity center at the campgrounds my family had a membership with. Sometimes, I would yell "BINGO!" when I didn't win, as a joke to mess with people. LITTLE DID I KNOW ALL THOSE YEARS AGO THAT I WAS A HARDENED CRIMINAL!

Calling out “bingo” when you don’t have one can get you in trouble in northern Kentucky.

Ask Austin Whaley.

The 18-year-old man was recently sentenced to refrain from saying “bingo” for six months. That’s because he and several other teens did that at a Covington bingo hall.

Park Hills Police Sgt. Richard Webster was off-duty and working security when he cited Whaley for second-degree disorderly conduct.^[1]

WHAT?

WHAAAAAAAAAT?

Seriously?! This happened?!

In America? Land of the free? Home of the brave? The place with a FIRST AMENDMENT guaranteeing a right to free speech?

Yes, there are limits on "free speech", such as not being able to yell "FIRE" in a crowded theater, but since this is nothing lik...

“Just like you can’t run into a theater and yell ‘fire’ when it’s not on fire, you can’t run into a crowded bingo hall and yell ‘bingo’ when there isn’t one,” Webster told Northern Kentucky News.

Uhm, what?

You can't yell "FIRE" in a crowded theater because people will panic, yes. And if you yell "BINGO" in a bingo hall, yes, people will be alarmed. THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE HERE IS THAT AT SOME POINT, SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY GOING TO YELL BINGO IN THE BINGO HALL BECAUSE IT'S PART OF THE FUCKING GAME. People are EXPECTING it to happen, unlike hearing "FIRE" in a theater. They are not comparable AT ALL.

Unfortunately, "disorderly conduct" charges have become a catch-all method of arresting people for doing "immoral" or "offensive" things. Basically, if you are offended by something, you can call the cops and if you're lucky, they'll arrest the person for "disorderly conduct". That's what America is coming to.

 What's next? People being rounded up for yelling "YAHTZEE!" at people playing dice games? Maybe the student resource officers at schools can round up kids that sing the song about the farmer and his dog, Bingo, too!

Bingo is serious business.

Since it is such serious business, perhaps police should tell citizens to yell "BINGO" when being attacked, much like they sometimes say to yell "FIRE" to make people pay attention. Hey, after all, a police officer compared the two actions, right!? So there you have it: Yell BINGO when you're being attacked in public, it just makes sense!
 

Sure, I'm joking about here but, when I really think about the possible repercussions. How would Mr. Whaley feel if he had caused a heart attack in one of the elderly patrons? What if he had caused somebody to clear their board prematurely because they thought they had lost?  

Maybe the cop was in the right, maybe it was said best in Monty Python's The Holy Grail:

"Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can shout BINGO at will to old ladies in bingo halls."

Maybe it's time we stopped the bullying. Maybe it's time to gut the First Amendment to keep us all safe. Maybe it's time to ban assault words. Maybe...

...this is satire.

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The Little Dumpster That Could(n't)

Once upon a time, in the fairytale land of Codysville, there was a dumpster. This dumpster was blue, and it was made for recycling. The blue dumpster had clear labels on it, stating that it was only to be used for recycling; the labels on the dumpster stated things like "RECYCLING ONLY" and "NO TRASH". The words on the dumpster were in the common tongue of the area, and repeated in a foreign tongue, Spanish (the language of the Spaniards). The blue dumpster was unfortunately the nearest dumpster to many apartments (apartments are shoddily-constructed homes typical of many Codysvillians), which meant that it was seldom used for its intended purposes.

The little blue dumpster was saddened by its misuse, and even more so by the sheer loneliness of its existence. The little blue dumpster had heard stories of other little blue dumpsters and how they shared a living space with little brown dumpsters - trash dumpsters. The little blue dumpster yearned and yearned for a sibling, often asking its parents, "MOOOOOM! DAAAAAAAAD! WHY CAN'T I HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER!!!!!!????"

One day, the awesome trash company, the parents of the little blue dumpster, in their endless wisdom, committed an act of intercourse which caused the creation of a little brown dumpster. Soon the little brown dumpster was delivered, and it was placed alongside the little blue dumpster! The little blue dumpster beamed with pride at the look of its shiny new sibling! 

The little blue dumpster laughed to itself, thinking: "OH, OH, OH! This is excellent! Now I will only be used for proper waste disposal, as labeled!"

Oh, but the little blue dumpster didn't understand the people of Codysville, for they were not Codysvillians, but CodysVILLAINS. Villains, yes! Lazy, lazy villains!

The little blue dumpster awaited the first use of its shiny brown counterpart, but it just never came. Day after day, people walked by the little brown dumpster and continued to put their trash in the little blue dumpster. Oh, if only the little blue dumpster had been jealous of its sibling like many kids - it would've been so, so happy to still be used in lieu of its sibling. Oh, but the little blue dumpster was not jealous - the little blue dumpster was just sad.

"FATHER! WHY HATH YOU FORSAKEN ME?", the little blue dumpster shouted at the clouds, confusing itself with Jesus.

"Why little blue dumpster, I have not forsaken you. People have forsaken you - they are just stupid!" shouted down a non-denominational deity/science.

The little blue dumpster lived out its days, never knowing why it was used improperly, eventually committing suicide at a ripe old age of 3.

R.I.P. little blue dumpster - you will be missed.

A map. The blue circle is the location of the little blue
dumpster. The brown circles are actual trash dumpsters.
They were too far for people to walk, so they just dumped
trash in the recycling dumpster. They actually KNOCKED
over the fence around it, built a new, bigger one, and brought
in a brand new trash dumpster. People have failed to use it.

On the left: the new brown dumpster, nearly one week from being delivered.
Barely any trash has been put in it. On the right: the little blue dumpster,
still being filled with trash.

In conclusion: People are lazy and stupid.

Property Rights in America (aka I "look like the kinda guy that could use a job.")

I won't deny anybody their property rights. I hate when people touch or move my things, personally. This is a story about just that: Me touching and moving someone's stuff...and the consequences of such actions.

I stopped at the Walgreens by my day job this morning and bought a V8.^[1] This is a semi-regular occurrence for me, to be honest. I purchased my beverage and made my way back to my car - this story is all very typical up until now. As I approached my car, I saw a woman in her 50s get into the car next to me. As she got in, she rolled down her window, unwrapped a piece of candy, and threw the wrapper out the window and onto my car.

I thought to myself, "Wow, why would someone just litter like that? It's a tiny candy wrapper. She had a purse, and a coat with pockets, and she was in a car - there were so many other places to put that garbage."

Being that I don't like trash ON my car, I went to pick it up as she drove away. A slight breeze blew it onto the ground at this point. I figured that there was no reason not to throw it away anyway, so I picked it up.

BUT THAT IS WHERE I WENT WRONG, FELLOW AMERICANS. THAT IS WHERE I COMMITTED A CRIME AGAINST THIS WOMAN'S ELITE SOCIAL STATUS, READERS! THIS IS WHEN THE QUIET MIDDLE AGED WOMAN BECAME EMBARRASSED AND HULKED OUT.

She put her car into reverse - YES, INTO REVERSE - and drove back to me. I was puzzled by this, but thought maybe she forgot something.

She said to me, "Thank you for picking up my trash."

I smiled and replied, "Somebody had to."

She smiled back and told me, "I could throw some more trash out if you want. You look like someone who could use a job."

She then drove away, throwing more trash out of her window. Yes, this is a woman in her 50s, driving a LEXUS in a pretty high society area... And she is littering... ALL BECAUSE I DARED TO PICK UP HER INITIAL LITTER.

I did the only right thing - I walked behind her, picking up the trash. She was driving towards my eventual destination anyway, so it only seemed right.

When she parked, she got out of her car and realized I had my phone in my hand. She told me, "You should make a video with your phone. Maybe you can tell the police, but they won't care."

I said to her, "Maybe I can put it on YouTube so everybody can see how awesome you are!"

This is when I crossed the line, apparently, because after this, it was nothing but personal insults...

"Just don't put your face on there, it'll scare people away because it's kinda ugly!"

I retorted, "Oh, mam, you are very delusional. You aren't very attractive yourself."

Her: "Boy would you like me to litter some more? You really look like you could use a job. You need the money. Maybe they could pay you to do it. You seem to have so much extra time on your hands. Maybe you could buy some new clothes."

Me: "I am on my way to work. What about you? Do you need a job? That coat looks like it could stand to be replaced. You seem too lazy to have a job though, since you can't even throw out garbage."

Her: "Sir I have a job. I have a very good job thank you."

Me: "Oh, I know you do. Is it `throwing garbage into the parking lot?`"

We were now walking into the store, and she continued talking to me.

Stupid old lady: "Just go ahead and record me and put me on YouTube sir. That is fine. Again just don't put yourself on there or you will scare people."

Moi: "Okay, but you are kinda ugly yourself."

I then ran into my girlfriend, who I had journeyed across the parking lot to meet. I said to her, "Hey honey, meet my new friend. She loves to litter and yell about it when you pick it up."

She kept on with her attitude about how she was right and I was wrong, and then my girlfriend said to her, "I hope you are proud of yourself mam!"

She replied in what we can assume is the only way she could, immaturely, with the phrase, "I HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF IN THAT HAT!"^[2]

I guess she didn't like that I touched her trash. She clearly wanted it where she had put it - on my car/on the ground.

America: What a country!

p.s. She passed THREE garbage cans on the way into the grocery store.

1. My night job, of course, is a superherovillain.

2. She has a fuzzy black hat with a skunk stripe on it. Apparently this lady's only method of response is to insult the clothing choices of others.