As a kid, I would sometimes play the game of BINGO! in the community activity center at the campgrounds my family had a membership with. Sometimes, I would yell "BINGO!" when I didn't win, as a joke to mess with people. LITTLE DID I KNOW ALL THOSE YEARS AGO THAT I WAS A HARDENED CRIMINAL!
Calling out “bingo” when you don’t have one can get you in trouble in northern Kentucky.
Ask Austin Whaley.
The 18-year-old man was recently sentenced to refrain from saying “bingo” for six months. That’s because he and several other teens did that at a Covington bingo hall.
Park Hills Police Sgt. Richard Webster was off-duty and working
security when he cited Whaley for second-degree disorderly conduct.[1]
WHAT?
WHAAAAAAAAAT?
Seriously?! This happened?!
In America? Land of the free? Home of the brave? The place with a FIRST AMENDMENT guaranteeing a right to free speech?
Yes, there are limits on "free speech", such as not being able to yell "FIRE" in a crowded theater, but since this is nothing lik...
“Just like you can’t run into a theater and yell ‘fire’ when it’s not on fire, you can’t run into a crowded bingo hall and yell ‘bingo’ when there isn’t one,” Webster told Northern Kentucky News.
Uhm, what?
You can't yell "FIRE" in a crowded theater because people will panic, yes. And if you yell "BINGO" in a bingo hall, yes, people will be alarmed. THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE HERE IS THAT AT SOME POINT, SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY GOING TO YELL BINGO IN THE BINGO HALL BECAUSE IT'S PART OF THE FUCKING GAME. People are EXPECTING it to happen, unlike hearing "FIRE" in a theater. They are not comparable AT ALL.
Unfortunately, "disorderly conduct"
charges have become a catch-all method of arresting people for doing
"immoral" or "offensive" things. Basically, if you are offended by
something, you can call the cops and if you're lucky, they'll arrest the
person for "disorderly conduct". That's what America is coming to.
What's next? People being rounded up for yelling "YAHTZEE!" at people playing dice games? Maybe the student resource officers at schools can round up kids that sing the song about the farmer and his dog, Bingo, too!
Bingo is serious business.
Since it is such serious business, perhaps police should tell citizens to yell "BINGO" when being attacked, much like they sometimes say to yell "FIRE" to make people pay attention. Hey, after all, a police officer compared the two actions, right!? So there you have it: Yell BINGO when you're being attacked in public, it just makes sense!
Sure, I'm joking about here but, when I really think about the possible repercussions. How would Mr. Whaley feel if he had caused a heart
attack in one of the elderly patrons? What if he had caused somebody to
clear their board prematurely because they thought they had lost?
Maybe the cop was in the right, maybe it was said best in Monty Python's The Holy Grail:
"Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can shout BINGO at will to old ladies in bingo halls."
Maybe it's time we stopped the bullying. Maybe it's time to gut the First Amendment to keep us all safe. Maybe it's time to ban assault words. Maybe...
...this is satire.
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