In the cold, dark, depths in the back of the meat drawers of many American refrigerators lurks a silent and deadly killer. Most people overlook this killer in favor for its relative popularity and acceptance in America. The name of this serial killer? Hot dog.
Long-associated with baseball and ballparks, Fourth of July, Memorial Day, and Labor Day cookouts, the hot dog is an American food icon. But these days, it's known as a secret killer: a silent murderer of children in the United States. And, while it's becoming known for its homocidal tendancies, we can't escape our love for the Hot Dog in America. Even the mother of one its young victims recently said of the hot dog, "almost American as apple pie". However, now, that same mother, Joan Adler, has struck a chord against America, calling the hot dog "horrible" (and thus implying that America itself is horrible).
Adler's goal? To destroy American culture through her rabble-rousing. With her in this quest is a growing chorus of anti-American organizations, such as the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Their stated goal is to "have hot dogs redesigned". And, while that is noble (but stupid, confusing cause - how does one redesign a hot dog?), it's obvious that the ultimate of this small band of rebels is to dismantle a great American tradition; a great American tradition that is older than baseball itself.
The anarchistic group has claimed their reasoning for the demands of change is "safety", and a few members have been quoted as saying that it's all "for the childruns". And while they are a small, but growing movement, they are not without opposition. Most notable of the opposition is famed hot dog manufacturer, Oscar Meyer.
Oscar Meyer believes that "warning labels" on hot dog packaging should be enough to stave off the onslaught of infanticide by their product. A press-release earlier today stated, "We here, at Oscar Meyer, believe that parents are stupid if they allow their kid to choke on a hot dog. Not only are they proving Darwin correct, but they are aiding the gene pool by removing their unintellectual offspring from it."
Adler (along with some other mothers from her group) claims that the corporations are fueled by greed, and that is why they do not want to redesign hot dogs. Melissa Smithson, possibly one of Adler's lackeys, stated, "The corporations just enjoy their profits, they don't care about real Americans. Any mother will tell you what needs to be done to help kids... And this one of those things that needs to be done", she said.
In my search for opposing opinions, I found several, despite what Smithson said. I asked for the opinion of one young mother on this, and she agreed to give it to me. Speaking on a condition of anonymity (and fearing for her life due to possible violent reprisals from Adler's anarchistic group), she told me, "It's not that hard, you know, eating a hot dog. Step 1: Obtain knife or other sharp object such as katana or chainsaw. Step 2: Mutilate food into tiny bits. Step 3: Insert food into child. The end."
Famed hot dog connoisseur, James McBrady, suggested that people use mustard or ketchup as a type of "lubricant", thus lessening the choking hazard associated with such foods. He suggested using watery ketchup, as water-based lubricants are better for the throat and the hot dog.
Meanwhile, Dr. Gary Smith, director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio (and noted anti-American), authored a craptacular new book on the subject. The book, which demands changes in food design, contains a few hundred pages of moronic nonsense and insists on building a nanny state as far as food is concerned.
In his book, he mentions hot dogs, and then rambles on for several chapters about them, mostly in a complete aimless manner. Joining hot dogs on his list of foods that need to bedestroyed redesigned is "apples".
"Why apples and hot dogs?" I asked myself. But, then I thought about it, and it dawned on me:
As stated earlier, apple pie is probably the most American food, with hot dogs coming in as a close second (according to popular opinion[2]). It seems, then, that Smith's ultimate goal, like the goals of Adler and her friends, is to destroy American culture.
In the interest of information, knowledge, and the destruction of ignorance, I tried to contact Dr. Smith to ask him why he wants to destroy America. However, his secretary referred me to Dr. Smith's lawyer after the three-hundred-and-seventeenth telephone call. I'm due in court in July.
So, where do I stand on this hot dog malarky? REDESIGNING HOT DOGS BECAUSE SOME KIDS CAN'T FUCKING EAT THEM AND THEIR PARENTS ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO REALIZE THAT THEY HAVE TO CUT THEM UP INTO LITTLE PIECES... WELL THAT'S JUST FUCKING STUPID.
1. Source
2. A Gallup poll said so. Seriously.
Long-associated with baseball and ballparks, Fourth of July, Memorial Day, and Labor Day cookouts, the hot dog is an American food icon. But these days, it's known as a secret killer: a silent murderer of children in the United States. And, while it's becoming known for its homocidal tendancies, we can't escape our love for the Hot Dog in America. Even the mother of one its young victims recently said of the hot dog, "almost American as apple pie". However, now, that same mother, Joan Adler, has struck a chord against America, calling the hot dog "horrible" (and thus implying that America itself is horrible).Adler's goal? To destroy American culture through her rabble-rousing. With her in this quest is a growing chorus of anti-American organizations, such as the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Their stated goal is to "have hot dogs redesigned". And, while that is noble (but stupid, confusing cause - how does one redesign a hot dog?), it's obvious that the ultimate of this small band of rebels is to dismantle a great American tradition; a great American tradition that is older than baseball itself.
The anarchistic group has claimed their reasoning for the demands of change is "safety", and a few members have been quoted as saying that it's all "for the childruns". And while they are a small, but growing movement, they are not without opposition. Most notable of the opposition is famed hot dog manufacturer, Oscar Meyer.
Oscar Meyer believes that "warning labels" on hot dog packaging should be enough to stave off the onslaught of infanticide by their product. A press-release earlier today stated, "We here, at Oscar Meyer, believe that parents are stupid if they allow their kid to choke on a hot dog. Not only are they proving Darwin correct, but they are aiding the gene pool by removing their unintellectual offspring from it."
Adler (along with some other mothers from her group) claims that the corporations are fueled by greed, and that is why they do not want to redesign hot dogs. Melissa Smithson, possibly one of Adler's lackeys, stated, "The corporations just enjoy their profits, they don't care about real Americans. Any mother will tell you what needs to be done to help kids... And this one of those things that needs to be done", she said.
In my search for opposing opinions, I found several, despite what Smithson said. I asked for the opinion of one young mother on this, and she agreed to give it to me. Speaking on a condition of anonymity (and fearing for her life due to possible violent reprisals from Adler's anarchistic group), she told me, "It's not that hard, you know, eating a hot dog. Step 1: Obtain knife or other sharp object such as katana or chainsaw. Step 2: Mutilate food into tiny bits. Step 3: Insert food into child. The end."
Famed hot dog connoisseur, James McBrady, suggested that people use mustard or ketchup as a type of "lubricant", thus lessening the choking hazard associated with such foods. He suggested using watery ketchup, as water-based lubricants are better for the throat and the hot dog.Meanwhile, Dr. Gary Smith, director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio (and noted anti-American), authored a craptacular new book on the subject. The book, which demands changes in food design, contains a few hundred pages of moronic nonsense and insists on building a nanny state as far as food is concerned.
In his book, he mentions hot dogs, and then rambles on for several chapters about them, mostly in a complete aimless manner. Joining hot dogs on his list of foods that need to be
"Why apples and hot dogs?" I asked myself. But, then I thought about it, and it dawned on me:
As stated earlier, apple pie is probably the most American food, with hot dogs coming in as a close second (according to popular opinion[2]). It seems, then, that Smith's ultimate goal, like the goals of Adler and her friends, is to destroy American culture.
In the interest of information, knowledge, and the destruction of ignorance, I tried to contact Dr. Smith to ask him why he wants to destroy America. However, his secretary referred me to Dr. Smith's lawyer after the three-hundred-and-seventeenth telephone call. I'm due in court in July.
So, where do I stand on this hot dog malarky? REDESIGNING HOT DOGS BECAUSE SOME KIDS CAN'T FUCKING EAT THEM AND THEIR PARENTS ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO REALIZE THAT THEY HAVE TO CUT THEM UP INTO LITTLE PIECES... WELL THAT'S JUST FUCKING STUPID.
1. Source
2. A Gallup poll said so. Seriously.
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