All I did was say to my wife, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!"

If you ask the right people, that is the exact same crime that Tillikum, the now infamous killer whale, committed, too. Could there be a grain of truth in this? I can't be certain, as I do not speak Orca (and neither do his trainers). However, this little fairytale story is exactly what the American Family Association would have you believe! Sort-of.

In a recent blog on their site, blogger Bryan Fischer suggests that the whale be stoned. Not as in "given marijuana and made to be high", but as in "have stones thrown at it and killed". Of course, this immediately conjured up a hilarious image of a whale in the place of the poor guy "Jehovah guy" in Monty Python's The Life of Brian.

Tillikum: All I did was say to my trainer, "That piece of seal meat was good enough for Jehovah!"

Fischer: You're only making it worse for yourself.

Tillikum: Making it worse for myself? How could it get any worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!

After this short exchange of words, the crowd accidentally stones Fischer, killing him.

My gods, that would be awesome. I mean, a world without that guy would be a world I'd actually enjoy living in. If you think I'm overreacting, just take a look at what he has to say:

If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed, Tillikum would have been put out of everyone's misery back in 1991 and would not have had the opportunity to claim two more human lives.

Says the ancient civil code of Israel, "When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable." (Exodus 21:28)

So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death. You have no moral culpability in the death, because you didn't know the animal was going to go postal on somebody.

But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn't kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal. To use the example from Exodus, if your ox kills a second time, "the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death." (Exodus 21:29)

So, not only does he want the whale to be killed, but its curator, as well, apparently. WOW.

Maybe we should start following Biblical laws! Gosh, that'd be great! We could really fix the world with Biblical law.

We can start this tradition by stoning unruly kids (I'm actually all for that), then move on to the rape victims (for not yelling loudly enough), and after that, women who sit on furniture while having their period.

Oh, and why stop there, when we can stone the people who wear mixed-fiber clothing? You know the people I mean: like, everybody in the world, just about!

Actually, that last one's not such a bad idea... We could start with him!

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